I met Jergal again today, and this time I did not die to do so.
We travelled to Uthtower with an elf by the name of Naralis in order to aid Ularan. Naralis is a name that once belonged to a lesser death god of the elves, or so Siax told us. It wasn't too much of a stretch to believe that the male could have once been one, considering his power and what happened during the Time of Troubles. Or perhaps the name was chosen as an affection, or as a gesture of respect, I do not know. Idris said that his form in the ethereal plane looked terrible, like a man in a living death, and Naralis said it was a way to escape death that had once come for him. At the time I had only been intrigued and impressed by the dedication towards what he saw as his path, but now I question other things.
When we got to Uthtower we found that the rebellion was from two of Ularan's most trusted people, the first of which was a champion who barred the way outside and had slaughtered many of Ularan's troops and followers there. Naralis stayed there to deal with him, if he could, while we hurried into the tower to try and aid Ularan against the champion's brother. Such a person should not have been a threat to someone of Ularan's power, but Naralis had told us that Ularan had been locked in a mental battle with an ancient soul he'd found in the tower, and was vulnerable.
It was as we were making our way through the place that time froze for all but our group, and Jergal, through the conduit of an unremarkable skeleton, spoke to us.
He was much as I had remembered him; calm and steady in his demeanor. Unhurried. Moderate in tone. His voice reminded me of those times in his office, or what I perceived to be his office. His words had a weight to them that held thousands of years of quiet authority. Siax didn't like that, for he still struggled against all such things after the loss of autonomy by the Talos cultist while on Emberlost. But to me it felt natural, much as Jergal's office had felt like home.
I have wondered at that, especially in recent times. I had found the pendant that had once held the Three, the power now fused within me, when I was just edging into adulthood. Several people have asked me whether I had felt any difference after finding it, but I had not, but that may well have been because it worked to shape me as I grew into myself at that time. To me, Jergal's words seemed natural, eminently understandable, and yet those with me seemed confused by his words. Siax considered them riddles, and by Jergal's own words Ularan failed to grasp what seemed to be so obvious to me: that the world itself was like everything else in it, nothing was destroyed utterly, merely altered in rebirth.
Souls are the most obvious of this fact, for people's souls do not snuff out when they die, but move on. But the same can be said of anything in the world, from magic to belief. That the world at large also holds to this same truth seems obvious, that Jergal's role in making sure this cycle happens is not only understandable but logical. Without the cycle, life would stagnate and cease to function properly, and Ularan apparently is desperately fighting against this. Indeed, by Jergal's words, Ularan's use of the ritual to bring back a death god is not merely to do that, but to create one so powerful that it could challenge Jergal himself and take over, ceasing the cycle entirely. That ritual, we found out, was not necessary at all to create a new Death God, merely all the shards together and the intent and words stating the wish to ascend.
Ularan may or may not have lied to us, but he had certainly not granted us that particular truth. He wants that ritual, one that Idris found he knew more about. It required all four elven kingdoms to fall in order to complete, and that is why Ularan is so set on Merdelain's fall, for it had escaped the ritual the first time.
I do not think it unlikely that Naralis, who is so utterly devoted to Ularan's goals, was one of those who created or attempted to conjure the original ritual so long ago. If it backfired when Merdelain transported itself away, that could be why he is in such a state. Perhaps the Three were not the only ones to reach beyond the power they had been granted.
It would sadden me to find that Naralis, too, struggled against the natural cycle of the world, and yet the lengths he seemed to have gone to in order to survive, as well as his devotion to Ularan's goals, make it seem likely that is the case. In the short time I had with him earlier, I liked the male well enough, and in many ways it feels odd to think that he may be set on the utter genocide of his people, those he seemed to hold a great deal of fondness for.
I will admit that there is a part of me that wonders whether it is I that is wrong. Jergal's truths may well be influencing me more than someone of greater power, for while they feel very true to me, the words of a God are by their very nature something steeped in power that lesser creatures bow to. I, especially, may be more influenced than most, considering the Three, and before that Jergal's own power, now lies fused to my very being. Why would it not then resonate?
So I know that the truth that I see, the truth that feels so clear and obvious, may be no more real than Ularan's truth, or less. Everyone has an agenda, a goal, even Gods. Perhaps especially Gods.
Jergal has a history with Ularan. He said that he was once a useful tool, but no longer; that Ularan had chosen to waste his life because he fought against the inevitable.
A useful tool.
Those words have stayed with me like a weight, because in many ways they are extremely hurtful although I do not think Jergal perhaps intended them as such. Why would Ularan not fight against someone who thought so little of him no matter his accomplishments? Why would he not fight to change the state of things when met only by alien disinterest and disapproval?
Perhaps I am reading more into it too, my own yearnings influencing, for I am aware of looking to others: the Three, Ularan, even Jergal, in the hope of finding some like-minded connection, some… warmth, and finding only their own goals and my place in making them happen. Hearing Jergal speak of Ularan like that, it was a reminder of that mercenary nature. By his own words, he spoke to us only because our actions recently had caught his interest and he sought to capitalise on them. To a God like that, so ancient and powerful, we must mean very little, but that does not stop the yearning to be more. One that can likely never be reciprocated, no matter how powerful someone would become.
I am reminded too of both Siax and Idris, for they out of all the group have remained steadfast in their wish for friendship between us, one that feels ill-fitting to me. Siax's emotional reactions leave me somewhat baffled and ill-at-ease and always have. Seeing him in battle, you would not think him the type to make such rash and ridiculous decisions, suicidal decisions, in order to aid someone he considers a friend, and yet he does. In some way, perhaps that is what Jergal feels when looking at others; seeing nothing but unruly toddlers screaming for things he feels no innate need to divest to them.
The Three have perhaps come the closest to offering some manner of care, from Bane especially. Bhaal is of a mind focused almost purely on slaughter, and yet he has shown some benevolence at times when it suited him. Myrkul too has offered words of aid, but it was difficult to get much of a sense of him beyond that. Bane, though, took the time with me to explain things, to offer words of wisdom and even concern when I was facing peril. But I would be a fool to think it more than just manipulation for their own ends. Bane is a strategist, and by his own history a master manipulator. They need me to succeed so that they can regain what they lost, and my isolation must surely be obvious to them, especially as they stripped most of what meant anything to me away during these tasks. I would be foolish to think there was more to it than that, especially as I have not been particularly adept to gain their approval.
We are all just pieces on a game board, really, moved and manipulated to serve the goals of others.
I dislike games.
I miss the mountains, and it has been so long since I was able to tend to my calling. Depending on how the meeting with Ularan goes, I may never return there. Even should he grant the shards of power he has gathered, vastly unlikely as that is, my own cannot be removed in the same way. To gift it to another, or even use it myself, it will be my end one way or another for the creation of a God is just a template of that person.
I do not know what to expect from Ularan now, other than a flat denial in favour of his ritual. That, too, is problematic. While I do not like his means, if the ritual were to do as has been suggested, then a new God or Gods could be made. If he allowed it to be me, then I could grant the Three their domains back after that. But knowing what we do now, I do not see Ularan giving it over to someone who may side with Jergal's wishes. Likewise, the Three were always power hungry, and I doubt that has changed. If the Three are granted the Godhood again through the ritual, I can see them opposing Jergal as Ularan wishes, they seemed far too scared of being devoured by him not to. If anything, their state of relative powerlessness may only have incited them to strive harder for power so that it does not happen again.
That is but one concern. A somewhat more pertinent one is that I cannot see the group as a whole going along with the plan of the ritual now, if they ever would have. Given no real choice due to my agreement with the Three, I would have gone along with it, but I very much doubt Siax or Arya would stand for it. I do not know what Effie would choose to do, and Idris's decision making is often chaotic because of his limited wisdom, although he can be easily convinced at times. That will pit the group directly against Ularan, and considering his power and experience, I doubt we would succeed in anything except failing, and I cannot fail.
If I side with Ularan and Naralis, then the group will turn against me swiftly, and in the case of Siax, with impassioned hatred at that perceived betrayal.
None of this is ideal, or even moderately positive. Passions on all sides run high in a way that I cannot manufacture in myself. I just want the world to work as it should; the dead to pass easily onto the next part of life, order once more restored to a world tipping more into chaos each day.
Jergal wants one of us to become the next Death God, with or without the Three. We would be… acceptable, apparently. I see the chaos and disorder, the lack of function in how the dead pass on, and I would take that mantle; not because I crave power, but because I want things to work as they should. I always have. Every step in the mountains was to find the restless dead; the ghosts, the fallen, those tainted and unable to resist the call of necrotic energies, and lay them to rest and let them pass on as they should. Will the Three truly see to these tasks as they wish, or will they delight in their domains once again and leave the dead to largely fend for itself? I could see to the dead while they do what they wish.
It is likely a moot point anyway. I doubt Ularan would see me as suitable, considering that Jergal's words have influenced my thoughts.
I do not know what the future holds, long or short term.
I suppose if all goes poorly, as I suspect it may, at least it will be Ularan who will claim the shard I hold, and no matter if his plan is successful or not, no matter if Jergal is correct, he will make a new death god that will hopefully at least partially tend to the dead.