1. Journals

Grimlo's Tall Tales and Wild Stories

"So y'want t'know what happened? Well it all started with the very foundin' o' me clan..."

"This legend starts with a lowly dwarf adventurer named Baldwin, a spry lad still in the prime of his youth. Baldwin set out on a grand adventure, one that saw him to a thousand and one places across Falanar and her sister continent, but this story takes place in the city of Regus long, long before it's sackin' and long long before you or I were around. The city was holdin' a grand ol' tournament, martial fighters from all around had gathered to compete in joustin', axe tossin', wrestlin', sparrin', and all manner of physical trials that I cannae be arsed to remember right now.

But the biggest one of all were the open arena fight at the end, the prize was twice ol' Baldwin's weight in gold, and a wyvern of all things, a nasty one that could pump you so full of venom you'd never know what hit ye'!

So my great grand-pap had been adventurin' around at this point, had himself a crew and some gear but they weren't exactly a well known group. Still, they entered the tournament for the hell of it, one guy they had there...a big ol' Goliath of a man with tattoos, oh people were sure he was gonna win, you bet yer arse. That man could've lifted a dragon all on his own, big as a house and built as sturdy as one as well...mind you, he was also wearin' enough magic gear to afford a small kingdom, but still. Nobody even gave ol' Baldwin the time o' day, still, he got himself ready, shined his gear, sharpened his axe...


...and then found out that they wouldn't be usin' any o' their gear. It'd put too much of an advantage on the rich folk who bought all their magic items wholesale.


WELL, let me tell you what, my grand-pap was right keen on that, now that the playing field had been evened oh you better believe ol' Baldwin had a good chance at winnin' this tournament...well, were it not fer this one human! Dainty little arsehole he was, jumped around everybody, real dexterous fellow who didn't seem too put out by not havin' any of his gear. Well he was knockin' people out left n' right, smug piece of arse he was he were laughin' at 'em while he did it.


Until he came up to ol' Baldwin.


Well lads, I tells ya', that dainty fucker was crackin' everyone right in the cock he was. Thought he was right clever about it, cheap-shottin' folk while he danced around, disguised what he was doin' and made himself look real impressive. Well he came up to me grand-pap, who were only given a quarterstaff to fight with while this prick human got a pair o' clubs! Well this lad he hits Baldwin, and I guess he didn't account for how low dwarves are, because he hits Baldwin and when he doesn't go down, the human looks like he just seen a ghost.


Ol' Baldwin Bronzeknob were born that day.


Well grand-pap Baldwin took that quarterstaff and he crammed it right into that dainty's tainty and some people say the pain is still felt by the fella's great-great-great-great grandkids. The human goes down like a sack o' bricks and my grand-pap proceeds to go on a testicle-terrorizing crusade the likes o'which was never before seen or felt. Generations died that day I tell you what, family trees were sawed down and used for kindlin' to stoke the fire o'me grand-pap's fury.


And when nobody was left standin', not a taint un-tenderized, me grand-pap stood tall (for a dwarf) and earned his prize. That were the day me clan was formed, he took his winnings, gathered like minded dwarves with no clan to call home, and they dug out a little settlement in Mount Ash-- mind you that were before the second eruption, so now the ruins of the first settlement are deep, deep in Mount Ash, while the new Bronze Keep was rebuilt. That's where all the Bronzeknobs come from-- well, right now that's just me and me pop, but that's fine. Someday I'll be sittin' there once I've earned my own grand story."

The dwarf nods, taking a long drink from an ale.


"Huh? Wolves? What're'ye on about wolves-- OH! Y'wanted to know how the quest started? Oh fuck me lad why didn't y'just say so, we met up with some other folk in a tavern and some arseholes were talkin' about wolves terrorizin' their sheep so we went to go meet some halfling lad what got chewed up, I'm pretty sure it were Werewolves at this point but after that we just went to go set up a trap for 'em...I think? I dunno, I'm a bit in the drink now lad, should've stopped me before I told that story..."


RACISM AND CUM MAZES

The dwarf shudders as he takes a long swig of his ale, shaking his head.


"Never seen a bear be racist before, saddens me to say it was a first time fer sure."

Grimlo let out a long sigh, knocking back the last of his drink before ordering another. The dwarven barmaid filled his mug up without a word, those sitting around him enthralled by his story.

"We set out at the behest o' some farmers, they were havin' trouble with...corn, I suppose? I don't really remember why we were there so much as I remember the bear bein' racist n' the lad Martel not knowin' the difference between a doorway, an archway, and a door itself. I dunno what the lad were raised in, must've been a barn. Anyway, the bear thinks he's got a real "got'cha" moment when he states that his people never needed doors and they'd just go and beat up whatever walked in their huts..."

The dwarf pauses...

"So I told 'im he wouldn't have folks in his 'ouse if he went n' got a door. Folks agreed, but the bear...hoo he got steamy, him n' Martel were bickerin' the whole way until the bear finally snapped when Martel insulted 'im for tryin'a toss 'im. Insulted him bein' an orphan, real sore spot I guess. Dunno how they haven't torn each other apart yet, but it weren't my job to keep 'em from doin' so. Donnie told me to go n' help 'em with the job since it were takin' a long arse time."

Grimlo leans back in his chair, a slight creak of the wood pierces the silence.

"We find some runes on a doorway, old runes. Everybody gets a look at 'em, gotta make sure they're authentic, and we head inside. I dunno who thought it was a good idea to put a bloody maze in a corn field but I don't like 'em. Let alone a damn maze filled with oozes! Hateful things..."

He takes another sip from his mug, before continuing his story...

That one time some arseholes beat the shit out of each other in some fight pit I was watching.

So there I am, right? Mindin' me own business drinkin' in the basement of this absolutely legitimate business where he absolutely don't run an illegal fightin' club downstairs.


So this new feller comes up with a bloody drow announcin' him, looks like a right arsehole with no shirt on. I figure he's gonna get put against some beginner fighter but no, they bloody well bring out Linda to beat the absolute shite out of him. The first half of the fight was goin' well for the new guy, he moved around a bit, broke Linda's spear, and had her up against the steel cage-- oh did I mention it were in a steel cage? It were.

So he gets her up against the cage and just...she absolutely beats the piss out of him, bashes his face in with a shield, and for a second there-- after the fourth or fifth hit, he looked like he was goin' down but he stood back up. At this point I were gettin' into it, it were a really good fight, and the new lad starts layin' into Linda's face, she's takin' more hits than I could even count. They just kept tradin' blows in the corner for what felt like at least a good minute before Linda finally went down and the crowd went nuts!

The new guy stepped out of the cage and nearly dropped dead, guess they put him up on the benches there for a bit. On my way out he seemed fine, a good fight all around and I look forward t'seein' the rest of his team fight.