Things have…been profoundly difficult of late. Maybe more difficult than I necessarily need to make it. I don't know. Lan mentioned that perhaps writing things down would help alleviate the murky waters in my head.

He's really nice - I am glad I've started going to the meetings. I honestly never knew much about the Blood of Vol until I met The Kind and Lan. Never really thought much about Kaarnath either in fairness. Like, I knew about the politics, the war crimes, the usual talking points from textbooks and professors who have long since abandoned any sembelance of objectivity. I suppose it is pretty remiss of me to not bother digging any further into it. Like, the Emerald Claw fuckers didn't exactly pique my interest in it much but it's not as if entertaining those Kaarnathi women on a hen night was any different to Sharn or Wroat or whatever. Different accents, same wine sodden spirits wanting to have fun.

Anyway, the meetings are interesting. I haven't taken the plunge to add my blood into it as yet. I still feel somewhat of a tourist, still feel the half arsed Sovereign veiling me. At least the Blood of Vol makes a damn sight more sense to me than silent Sovereigns. That divine spark in each of us, that we need to make an effort to be better, do better, that good happens not at the mercurial whims of the divine but our own flaws, our own will against the world. Feels more of a logical way of looking at things. The necromancy as a sacrifice that needs to be respected, the last resort nature but still honouring that - it is something intrinsically beautiful. Who is to say that the wilted rose is any less beautiful than one in full bloom? Have to admit it makes me laugh thinking how my Dad would think about me getting into this. Proper black sheep behaviour. We can't all be George and Amelia, Dad.

And even now, why do I want that approval from him? He's never going to do it. It would be best for me to mourn that idealised father-son relationship in my head and accept it. The intelligent side of me at least understands that but if I was merely at the whims of logical reasoning, I would not be so wound up in emotions, bound in them like at that leather club at the back of Hareth's Folly. I wouldn't be hitting on guys with blonde hair and goatees after work because it's easier to one night stand a stranger than admit anything.

I still think of him a lot, though. The way his wrist arcs when he swishes his rapier, how soft his brown eyes are in candlelight, the soft laughs he makes when he tries to not make it obvious he finds something funny in an inappropriate situations, the way the jaw tenses when he's stressed…that Orien man has carved himself into my brain and…gods, how to even begin. Sometimes with the way he unwittingly flirts makes me think he's mocking me, that he's somehow reading my mind. And he might be into it? Or just think the idea of me being head over heels is funny? And I don't want to be so…obvious as to ask, "Hey Damien, do you like men? Do you like me? Do you want to come around my house and I can see if you do everything faster than me?"

Sometimes I wonder if the others see if I am so obviously besotted. It has to be obvious, right? Nerys was always on board, even before I started thinking of him that softly. Maybe there's something with that book power of theirs. I admittedly don't understand it that well but then again, Nerys seems to…live in a space mentally I would find similar to Luca. Like, I'm creative, course I am but I am just writing songs and taking the piss. It has this level of creativity to properly write something and they both just seem in tune. Maybe Nerys has their own Thelanis connection, they seemed significantly less weirded out by that time in Thelanis than the rest of us. Yash seems very sensitive to Thelanis but in an opposite direction. Kind of like me drinking Kaarnathi ale, it rebels something in me and it's the closest I can get to how it affects her.

It's a case of where I don't want to pry even though I really, really want to know ever detail and if I can assist. It's very possible that I can't - blood and spite, I can barely help myself - but she's friendly and is one of the best dressed people I know. Which is saying a lot as I know a lot of people who dress impeccably well. I'm not sure how she manages it with this whole…detective thing. I know she's Medani (never thought that I would be friends with a Medani) so it's part of her but…I know this sounds dumb but you can vibe when someone is coasting on natural talent and when someone is putting the fucking effort in. Yash is the latter. I know her and Nerys are working on something too but again, I can't just start meddling in other people's business, no matter how nosey I'm being.

At least we bullied Ruckus into letting us help him. It irks me how I just…didn't question shit when Ruckus rocked up with the Clifftop folks. Just this random goblin from the Cogs who would skedaddle as soon as a job was over and you'd barely see the bastard. At least with everyone else, I'd spot them during down time, even when I'm just at a bar or picking up stuff from the shops or whatever. To find our he's been working himself into an early goblin grave to make up for a mistake…to find out he blamed himself for the utter shitshow at Fort Bones when he conclusively saved our collective asses…it shook me, not going to lie. Not sure why I had some of my savings with me that day but it seems…more appropriate to leave it at that orphanage than buy some fancy suit or a new wig or something. I suppose that's more of Lan's influence rubbing off on me. Cause honestly, I am a pretty selfish bastard sometimes. I'm not a monster or anything but I will put myself first a lot cause I need to prove that I am Amazing actually and not a gangly weirdo with a useless degree. Thought about it a lot, showing up in Wroat as this rich and famous guy and seeing my Dad be all "oh shit son, I was wrong" and it's like…it's a pretty childish little fantasy. Maybe.

I don't know. I don't know what part is true and what part I am trying to convince myself is true. It feels like all I know that is true is that Luca is a breathtaking archfae who I would throw a trifle at King Boranel and get the shit kicked out of me if I thought it would make her laugh and that I am deeply, madly in love with someone who (probably) doesn't know.

I haven't seen Ban since the whole Fort Bones thing. Well, I've seen him but not spoke to him at length. He fascinates me, honestly. Just the ease he manages to go through things, all the shit and the exhaustion and planar crap and just…walks away unscathed, smiling and ready to flex his cooking skills. In some ways it terrifies me those skills. Genuinely. I should get him something. I mean, I should get everyone something. Would Nerys like a book or is that too obvious? Maybe I could take her and Yash to get an outfit as I think Yash would at least like to help. Maybe we would pick up Yash some good fabric scissors and…something detective-y. Do they even use magnfying glasses or is that just a thing from thise pulpy stories? Ban would really like some new ingredients to try out or maybe that would be too close to just being a coachman's holiday. Ruckus woulld definitely benefit from some more tools and stuff, maybe we can build up his little shed, add some bits. And Damien…there's a lot of things I would like to give him but it's not something I can really wrap up in a box and give over the table in a pub.

Maybe I'll just pay for a spa day. I'm sure there's a good one in Overlook and man, we need a break. I'd offer Luca but I am not sure if she would partake. I can't really see her getting a massage or sitting in a hot spring.

It helps a bit to write it down. I don't know if I am any less messed up but it helps a bit.