Some luck at last. And providence.
I found out the name being used by the leader of the Dead Hand, Ularan Mortus, and used it to focus my scrying spell in order to get a better view of him so that I might then use the sending spell more confidently. He turned the spell back on me, far more knowledgeable of such things, but in doing so I was able to speak with him.
He was suspicious, of course, not knowing me, nor the truthfulness of my words, especially as some of his enemies, the minions of the arch fae known as the Bramble Queen, were doppelgangers, something that we had found out first hand. But I was able, while that connection between us was strong, to reach out and entreat the Three for aid, and aid they did.
They sent not only myself and Ularan, but also the rest of the group to the Astral Plane, where Ularan was able to see the truthfulness of my words. It was a strange place, and not one I was comfortable in, but then the ways of complex thought have never been my strength. He cured the wound that had been, he told me, slowly killing me in a way that my skills would only have apparently delayed, and offered each of us a boon to show his good intentions to work with us. The knowledge he offered though, his plan, and the plans of the Three, were made far clearer in that lengthy conversation. Some of those plans were as expected, and some of them left me more than a little confused and uneasy.
He is seeking to redress the balance by creating a god of death, combining the fragments of god power the Three had apparently left behind at their demise, one that I hold, and twenty seven that he does. One God, not three.
This did not sit well with me, for my task by the Three was to see them made whole again, and whole is not one instead of three. Likewise, he responded to the group's questions and let them know that he didn't mind what the template of the new god of death was, whether it was the Three, himself, or me, so long as a new god was made, and quickly. Time, he said, was running out because Jergal was waiting to use this to destroy everything, as was his nature.
I remember Jergal from both times I had met him in that office. I remember the quiet feeling of home that had settled in me there; peaceful in a way that was so very uncommon for me. The Three warned me not to contact him, they too having said to me that Jergal would seek to consume them. Despite my place these days, I do not know much of Gods and their ways, not as much as I probably should. But the knowledge given by Ularan sits at odds with my own experiences and understandings. Why would Jergal aid me by sending me back even without my agreement to him? Why would he allow me to leave his office once more in order to further the Three's aims if he only intended to consume them? Was he waiting until they had more power before doing so? It seems strange that this plan to create a god, or gods, is to be the goal, while worrying about Jergal gaining power by consuming gods or at least benefiting from their deaths. Surely in the creation of them, it would only give an easier source for him?
There is much I do not know, and in any case my agreements bind me no matter what thoughts I may have on the matter. I agreed to be the Three's agent in the world, and in doing so I am bound to fulfil that duty. They wish to be whole, and so that must be my goal, no matter the difficulty, no matter that it seems even Ularan may not have as full a picture as he believes. I do not feel as though I have such a picture, but I see too many holes in the wisdom of this plan of his.
But one thing we do agree on is that the nature of death in the world needs to be redressed. Ularan said that attempting to make all Three back into gods would be a far more difficult task, but it is one I am duty bound to attempt as far as my abilities and will allow it. Should I fail, Ularan at least is by far more powerful than I, and will see to the outcome of creating a God either way.
The Three, just before they sent us to the Astral Plane, they called me their priest. I do not know the purpose, or what it truly means to them. If Ularan is to be believed, they are not gods, only shades of aspects of who they once were as them. If they are not gods, how can I be their priest? Was it merely an affection to reinforce my loyalty in the face of Ularan's alternate plans, or does Ularan not see as clearly as he believes? I never agreed to be their priest, only their agent, and yet I cannot deny that I have, since being returned to life a second time, behaved as if they were indeed my Gods, having thought so.
In truth, now, I truly do not know. I never sought a god or gods to follow, but the magic still comes to my hands. Is that from a God who has granted me their blessings, or does it instead come from the facet that sits in my heart now, one that has become integral to my being? How can one even tell?
We have returned to the material realm now, and I am left with the discomfort of such thoughts, and the knowledge that the group seem far more inclined towards pressing me into the role of God of Death, when that had never been my aim. My duty, my agreement, means I must deny them this wish. It means I must forge ahead to attempt to make the Three whole once more, no matter what it means for the world or those in it.
I think on my pendant, one that is now so much a part of me that it glowed inside my chest in the Astral Plane, and I have to wonder just how much of me will remain once my task is done. People had asked me if I had noticed anything different about my behaviour or habits after taking that pendant from the snow, but I had never been sure. Now I am left to wonder, if I survive the creation of the Three once more, with that piece of god power gone from inside me, just what will be left of me in the aftermath, when my whole adult life has been following that call.
And if I am stripped of what shaped me, what will Ularan, who has twenty-seven, be like?
--
Next Entry: Journal entry 2_08 - A creature without purpose