I write here in the dank unpleasantness of the Mere, having spent the better part of two days trudging through it and getting lost in turns. We sought the lizardfolk in order to find Leilon's guards and free them, for despite the fact that seeking out the lost spirit, Emberlost, and freeing him from the Talos cult's clutches is a critical priority, the group would not turn aside from seeking the guards. I am once more in the minority, for the group at large was unwilling to turn aside that task, small as it was considering the alternative, even when I scryed and found the guards in good health and under no threat.
I cannot seek out Emberlost myself, as even travelling in this land is beyond the remit of good sense if travelling alone. We know the cultists will be there, and we barely manage to succeed together in these lands.
I had to step in and remind them again, in clear terms, that guarding the lizardfolk to head to the far south of the swamp was not what we were there for. It took a great deal of discussion before they agreed to head north for the lighthouse, and return to the lizardfolk at a later date to aid them. Truly, you would think that the degeneration of the material world as we know it would sit more clearly on their minds, but when faced with people in need, such considerations seem largely beyond them at times.
My own thoughts have been at turns exhausted and troubled. I contacted Ularan while travelling, for I had not been sure of what to ask as a boon when we had all met him in the Astral Plane. I had thought he might have been able to teach me to mend those broken souls that the wraiths had torn apart, but he told me that there was no way to be able to do so. In the light of that knowledge, I had struggled to find anything that seemed important enough to ask for. Only my duty to the Three remained, and so I contacted him and asked that he focus his goal on restoring all Three, rather than combining them into one. He was displeased, but agreed despite it, within reason. That is all I could have hoped for, better even than I thought I might get.
He spoke to me further after that, his skill in the spell of sending far surpassing what I know to be possible, letting whole conversations take place. He warned me that I would need to find conviction and purpose in order for the next steps to succeed. I do not truly know the full extent of his message to me, but it was clear that he was serious, even perhaps concerned, if only because I am still of use to his plans. His words stay with me, even now.
'A creature without a purpose is worse than dead. It is a shell that occupies space best used by others.'
I have been using my duty and agreement to the Three, and to the dead at large, as my purpose, but he seems to feel that is not enough. I will admit to feeling weary as each day passes and having a yearning for the life in the mountains I once had. The weight of the duty given to me is heavy, and I do not know whether I am strong enough to withstand it, or at least to succeed.
He told me that I should seek Emberlost and see if I could find any wisdom from what he considered a spirit gone mad. That alone is curious, I suppose. Spirits that linger as Emberlost has, it is far more likely to be a response to unfinished business, or unceasing regret over things that cannot be undone, than them being without purpose. All restless spirits that resist the ceremony to let them pass on, in my experience, have unfinished business, and therefore purpose to linger. Perhaps Ularan was only attempting to focus my mind on the task ahead, rather than anything else, but I do not think I lack conviction as he fears. My own wishes, my own purpose, yes, perhaps that is true. I have given up what I considered important in the wake of my agreement of the Three by necessity. But lacking conviction? I do not see how that is the case.
I do not think that he considers my lack of traditional faith to be a detriment, as he seemed to consider a larger picture than pure fanaticism as I have seen in the Talos cultists, but perhaps it is the drive to do what is needed, no matter the circumstances, that he fears me not having the depths of for what is to come. I do not know. The Three are silent, but perhaps with more distance from the Mere once more, they will be able to speak with me with more ease once again.
Ularan's words linger though. What do I want out of this life that would drive me forward with at least equal force to my duty? Before, it had always been that duty, but it was one that felt well suited. The dead have always needed me in a way that the living do not. The Three know better how to deal with those dead, and on a larger scale than I could ever manage, and so it felt right at the time to follow them as they seemed to have been helping me throughout my life through the amulet. But knowing what I do now; that the amulet is a fragment of God power that is independent, it makes me wonder if they had been helping me before as I had thought, or just the remnants of a power predisposed to wanting to lay the dead to rest. But the fact remains that I made the agreement with the Three, and together they would be better able to deal with the dead in the world.
If I had been set on the path to becoming a God of the Dead, as Idris especially seems to wish, then my lack of integral purpose might be an issue. But I am not on that path. There is much that I do not see. Surely so long as I remain determined to do my duty to the Three as best as I am able, that should be enough. My actions before seemed enough for the Three, but I get the feeling that Ularan feels me lacking in something needed for his plans.
Does Ularan wish for me to have unfinished business as a way of galvanising me more? I do not know that either.
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