Whooshies! is a service that sends a monthly package of single-use tennis shoes that are promised to be truly unique to the customer. Whooshies! were popular during the Overproduction Non-Crisis. They are represented by mascot Big Whooshies! Man (Big Whooshies! Enthusiasm Man).
The Whooshies! interface is very simple. The user begins by uploading a full omni-directional scan of both of their feet, one version wearing socks (NOT freshly laundered) and one without, and also a video of them pulling the socks off both of their feet using the opposite foot. If they do it too quickly they have to redo the video slower so it scans right. These FOOTSCANS are then sent to Whooshies!' security contracting partner GoonSec for secure long-term biometric data protection. Then your FOOTSCAN is used to generate a unique tennis shoe best suited for optimum athletic performance or whatever the fuck your needs are.
Then comes the fun part, what makes Whooshies! truly unique - you and your uniqueness. And by you and your uniqueness, I don't mean the collective you and your that means everyone and their uniform uniqueness, but YOU and YOUR PARTICULAR UNIQUE uniqueness, which has been fighting all your life to express itself, which just might be unlocked if you can show it in your own unique way. Let's see if Whooshies! can help you take the most important step on your journey - the one you make next.
On the Whooshies! generation page, a truly custom design is generated out of 19 variable sections, each with procedurally designed content. The result is consistently obviously unique, due to its extremity and glaring lack of any coherent aesthetic intent. The design is presented above a wildly fluctuating subscription price - some of it due to randomly selected features, but a good part of it simply a randomly generated massive profit margin. The user is not presented with any customization controls, the only options being to generate an entirely new pair of Whooshies! or to lose this current design forever. The more expensive the design, and the longer the user spends on the current design, the more likely the app will pretend that another user has bought this design out from under them.
If the user is currently subscribed to an existing style of Whooshies!, they have access to a Whooshies! Battle video. A fully AI-generated video depicts two versions of the subscriber, one wearing the old pair of Whooshies! and another wearing the new pair. They are supposed to be battling, but it has to be G-rated so they barely even come close to doing any kind of violence, instead floating apart at the moment of impact. There is no resolution in the Whooshies! Battle, just a screen that asks if they want to switch to the new Whooshies! design or maybe upgrade their old ones to get an upper hand in some vague future battle. The character wearing the less-expensive pair of Whooshies! is always depicted as slightly sickly and ineffectual.
Since their debut, Whooshies! have had an immediate impact on the cities around them. Style in general began to trend toward garishness to match the shoes. As the customer was told the shoes are biodegradable trash, they caused a littering epidemic in most cities. Most municipalities pushed back and threatened to issue a ban until Whooshies! implemented the Green Tag.
Common Features
- Green Tag - These are made with biodegradable materials, so you're legally allowed to throw these anywhere you want in most jurisdictions. They are easy to find, but the local homeless will tell you they fall apart in about a week, and that's if it's real nice out. Green tags cost a little extra, and expressing any care for the environment is now a highly polarizing social signal.
- Blue Tag - Security tag. Maybe hooked to a full monitoring service or a parole system. More often, just the Style Cramp Alert, which in practical terms serves as a pre-paid legal carte blanche for the subscriber to assault you. Reusing their trash is pressed as theft. Wearing their unique custom shoes is portrayed as identity theft, fraud, blackmail, whatever makes it look like you were trying to impersonate the subscriber. You are best just accepting the assault and not pressing the matter. Blue Tag subscribers also enjoy aggressive arbitration agreements with most municipalities, as well as subrogation rights that allow the corporation to ruin you if you push your luck.
- Red Tag - AKA the Hash Tag. Socially-oriented and usually broadcasting something. A great way to get attention if that's what you want. Front- and rear-facing cameras and microphones.
- Pink Tag - Inward-facing cameras and scent detectors, for content creators.
- Gold Tag - It costs a lot more. It's not real gold. They do sell fake ones, but anyone can pick out a real one since they're culturally ubiquitous.
Notable Jurisprudence
Following some astroturfed brand-adjacent influencer drama, the Whooshies! legal department issued a press release that their legal name is "canonically screamed," and any representation to the contrary would be treated as a misuse of the IP. They sued several high-profile figures for saying their name at a normal volume. Contempt cases in several jurisdictions, all of which arose due to counsel's insistence on screaming the company's name during court proceedings, were rolled up into a supreme court appeal Whooshies! v. United States. The court ruled 69-0 that a company's name could be "canonically screamed," and this was really useful in suing the shit out of all kinds of people later on.