[accordion strain]
There once was a man who cried “bwah bwah”
[audience whoops and stomps their feet]
There once was a man who cried “bwah bwah”
The name of that man was Renaud Gadbois
What an odd first name
Won’t remain in brain
Well, to you I claim,
Just rest, don’t strain
For to all of his friends he remains a pain
So’s been renamed… [covers face as if to hide] ‘Oh fuck. It’s Gadois.’
CHORUS
Fuck Gadbois!
Fuck Gadbois!
Most talentless hack that you ever saw!
Fuck Gadbois!
Fuck Gadbois!
When he starts to jaw
We say FUCK GADBOIS!
Now, how do you think he fell to this state?
A man whose renown was once stellate?
Hey, wait! Perhaps we’re being too hard on the man. If Gadbois himself walked through those doors, I wouldn’t say “Fuck Gadbois”... [sotto voce] immediately. Instead I’d say:
[To the tune of “Gaston” from Beauty & The Beast. "Gadbois" is performed as a shadow puppet, or by the shabbiest drunk in the tavern.]
Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gadbois
You’re really showing your age
Still everyone here’d love to be you Gadbois
Except when you’re taking the stage
No other co-star is as sought out as you
You’re everyone’s favorite stooge
Everyone’s craft seems much better with you
Because your whole ouvre is se-ew-aaaaage
[to crowd] [to "Gadbois," placatingly]
No one chokes like Gadbois Playing death scenes
Alienates folks like Gadbois Playing villains
No one sounds like a runny egg yolk like Gadbois Uhh…
No thespian’s words are so filling
Out of scenery he makes a repast
You can ask any day-player for a shilling
And they’ll tell you whose role will soon be recast!