“I feel I should, I don’t know, feel more? But also less? I don’t know, this is…”
As was usual, the light of the setting sun poured through the window blinds of Doctor Shoan Beruss’s office. Bonit just liked the more amber light that settled over the city as Dina began her descent pass the distant Dantoonie horizon, and so she always arranged her sessions to fall during that period. The lighting gave the room a rustic feel to it that made it easier for Bonit to relax and at least try to be honest with her therapist. It was kind of odd how hard Bonit found it to be honest to Dr Beruss, but there was always a feeling that telling someone else your problems was impolite and that it was rude to burden another with your issues when they undoubtedly had their own to deal with. Even knowing it was literally his job didn’t make it much easier, but doing it again and again seemed to be the main means of overcoming this discomfort. It also helped that the amber sunset was when the caravan would break camp and prepare to finally go out and mingle, now that the sun would no longer cook you alive on Jakku.
Dr. Beruss said nothing. He was a professional and knew when to push and prod, and more importantly, when to let the patient work their way through what they were trying to say.
“I mean, I volunteered at a medical tent in the aftermath of a massive earthquake. I know what dead bodies look like. I even know what they look like stacked up. I know how brutally unfair death can be. And gore, I’ve worked at a zoo. I’ve worked at multiple zoos. I once saw a terrorvore rip a drunk's arm off cause the idiot wanted to give it an obscene hand gesture. And I’ve watched the holovids of some prized animal, like a razorback or something, just ripping some poor staff members face off because you grow attached and get so used to the animal there and you skip procedure and… But at the same time, it's like, shouldn’t I be falling apart or some shit. Like that cave was full of people. Men, women, kriffing children. Shouldn’t I be, like, be going insane?”
After a pause of more than a few seconds, Dr Beruss decided now was a good time to give some feedback. “I can get your frustration. Culture and media tends to emphasize a very performative form of emotional reaction. Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong if that is how one goes about it, but media mostly prefers it because such a performance helps to communicate the emotion of the character to the audience in a mostly visual medium. In reality there are many ways a person works through their emotions after a traumatic event. For example, you Bonit I have noticed tend to analyze the timeline of the event and focus on what you knew when and why you decided what you did. And as a result, you find comfort in learning from these moments with hope to perform better in the future. Some might find this cold, but for you this is a healthy way of working through real frustrations.”
“Yeah, but,” Bonit said in response, clear frustrations leaking into her voice, “this was kriffing bad. I can’t fully even begin to describe it. It was like for the first time I got what the sack was like; when people who were there would say things like a turbolaser hit the apartment building next door, which flooded their building with heat and it didn’t get to them but it killed everyone else on their floor and they were stuck there for days. And something about how just, not only how unfair and arbitrary these deaths were, but how evil the people had to have been to have done this makes this so much worse.” Then, relaxing a bit as she finally got to put some of her frustrations into words, Bonit continued with a little less somber in her voice and bit more humor, “Sorry doc. I’d probably be getting lectured about how focusing on villainy or pursuing the enemy or something like that is a path to the Darkside.”
Dr. Beruss himself chuckled back at Bonit’s light humor as he responded, “Then it is good this is an office for therapy and I’m not a doctor in ethics. But I do feel it’s only fair to note that I do have more than a few of the Knights and Masters as clients and from what they have told me I think the Jedi code might be a little more nuanced than that.”
Bonit now gave her own chuckle. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m just jesting.”
“Good, good.” Dr. Beruss said, adopting a more serious tone. “Now that we're getting close to the end of our limited time together, there is one last topic I do want to cover; you say you’ve been checking in on this girl. Kleo?”
Upon hearing this, Bonit herself also returned to a more serious tone. “Yeah, Kleo. Her father… I don’t know what his deal is. He might not even be alive. Or worse, he might be one of the damn cultists. I have no idea. But she misses him badly, so I promised to find out what happened to him. So I guess I got to find out what happened to him.”
Dr. Beruss nodded at that and said pertinently, “A bold oath to make, and perhaps a bit foolish as well, but an understandable one given the context. Even so, you seem to be taking a notably personal interest in this child. I’m curious if you feel personally responsible in some way?”
“Of course I’m not responsible. I’m not her mother.” Boint said flippantly, seemingly more annoyed at herself than the question being asked. “And I know everyone in the Order sticks their nose into literally everyone’s else’s business because we’re one big happy family, and that’s great and all, but I’m a graduate student working on a dissertation; I barely have any time to devote to Jedi duties, and the Order is paying for my food, rent, and student debt! That kid needs someone who has the actual free time to devote to them because they're a kid and a kid needs love and care. But,” and at that Bonit noticeably slowed down as she put significantly more thought into each of her next words, “I know what it’s like to be displaced suddenly. To suddenly not have the support you just assumed you’d have forever. Don’t get me wrong; the opportunity my parents, hell, my whole damn community gave me was a bigger opportunity than most people in the whole galaxy get, and it would have cost most of them a tenth of the sacrifice it cost my people. But those first few years were hell; not because of Coruscant, but because I was a nobody surrounded by strangers. And honestly from what I got from talking with Kleo, her situation wasn’t great before her dad disappeared. In fact, as far as I can tell, her dad was her only support system. So as far as I can tell, everything she has ever relied upon is just gone, maybe forever. Asking a child going through that to just build up a new social universe on a planet she has never been to, in a community she has never even encountered before is abuse as far as I’m concerned.” Bonit then, a bit emotionally exhausted from that mini speech, fell deeper into the comfortable couch she had been sitting on and finished, “So yeah, I’m checking in on Kleo. I hope I can get her a functional friend group before the end of the month, but that might be trying for a miracle.”
At Bonit’s finishing statement, Dr. Beruss nodded sagely and said, “Given the child probably feels betrayed by the disappearance of her father; if not by her father, then betrayed by the universe itself for allowing this to happen at all; getting her to allow herself to be vulnerable to anyone again will probably take significant time spent healing. Her hope from your oath may in fact be the only reason she is showing as much vulnerability to you as she has been. Because of that, do be very careful. The emotional damage if she thinks you broke that oath could be staggering.”
Bonit somehow sunk deeper into the couch. “How much my stress would lessen if only I was so ignorant.”
“Just believe in yourself. I’m sure you’ll do great. Now get out of my office!”