Barton “Old Forktongue” Pell
Human • Veteran Caravan Driver • Mule Father • Storyteller of the Open Road
Appearance
Barton Pell is a wiry, leathery-skinned human man in his late fifties. He’s always seen wearing:
- a floppy, wide-brimmed sunhat bleached by years of desert glare,
- a faded brown poncho patched in at least a dozen places,
- sun-cracked boots,
- and a belt with far too many pockets.
The poncho hides a short, well-maintained crossbow tucked neatly beneath his driver’s seat—just in case a bandit needs a surprise.
Personality
Barton is:
- cheerful
- witty
- practical
- stubborn as a mule (appropriately)
- clever
- and absolutely fearless on the trail
He speaks with the slow drawl of a man who has seen every kind of trouble and survived because he was either smart enough or lucky enough to stay a half-step ahead.
He calls everyone under 40 “kid.”
His Mules: “My Children”
Barton dotes on his two massive trail mules:
- Mudgeon (the smart one)
- Plink (the pretty one, according to Barton, though others fail to see it)
He talks to them constantly:
“Alright, Mudgeon, don’t give me that look.”
“Plink, sweetheart, stop eatin’ the rope! That’s not food!”
If anyone insults one of his mules:
instant enemy.
If anyone praises one:
They become Barton's new favorite person on the planet.
Trail Cook & Bean Connoisseur
Every night on the road, Barton brews a pot of his famous—or infamous—Fiery Forktongue Beans, a concoction so spicy that:
- goliaths sweat,
- dwarves hiccup fire,
- elves suddenly lose the ability to speak Common,
- and dragonborn ask for water.
Barton insists it’s “good for the blood.”
Crossbow Secrets
His hidden crossbow, nicknamed “Sweet Whisper,” is always loaded and pointed at the underside of his poncho. Barton has a reputation among bandits:
- He looks harmless.
- He is not.
- He never misses.
He once shot a knife out of a thief’s hand without looking up from stirring his beans.
Knowledge of the Pevadaas Trail
Barton knows:
- every bend,
- every shortcut,
- every bandit hangout,
- every bad-weather hideout,
- and every monster’s usual “hunting hours.”
He can guide caravans for Shifting Sands, for independent merchants, or for the PCs directly.
If warned about danger, he’ll nod and say:
“Yah, kid, I know. That’s why we ain’t goin’ that way.
Jokes for Every Situation
He has:
- road jokes,
- mule jokes,
- bad jokes,
- worse jokes,
- jokes older than the mountain pass itself.
Examples:
“What do ya call a stubborn mule?
A mule. They’re all stubborn. It ain’t a joke, kid—that’s just life.”
“Bandit walks up to me, says ‘Gimme yer coin.’
I says ‘Sure,’ and hand him my beans instead.
Haven’t seen him since.”
“You wanna know the real danger of the mountains?
It ain’t the cliffs, it ain’t the beasts…
It’s runnin’ outta firewood halfway through my cookin’.”
Motivation
Barton's only real passions are:
- his mules,
- the open road,
- telling travelers how the trail “used to be tougher,”
- and collecting jokes like a bard collects songs.
He’ll work for:
- Shifting Sands (when Zhakarr needs a reliable driver)
- rival caravans
- independent merchants
- or the players directly
As long as the job pays fair and the mules are treated right.
Quotes
“Get in the wagon, kid. Trail’s waitin’.”
“See this mule? Smartest creature in these mountains. Smarter than half the merchants, too.”
“Bandits? Bah. They don’t scare me. Losing my hat scares me.”
“You ain’t tasted beans ‘til you’ve tasted mine. Might not survive ‘em, but you’ll taste ‘em.”
“Don’t worry. I know this trail backwards and forwards. Literally. Once had to drive it backwards for three miles.”