The Lominsan Whale Tale

I am pleased to report, dear readers, that I am once again hale and hearty after my romp through parts most odd!
Unfortunately, I regret to inform you, I can't remember a thing about where I was during my absence!

But never fear, good people of Aldenard! Your thirst for the unknown and the eerie shall not go unslaked today.

We here at the Whale Tale have recently received a slew of letters to the editor, all signed "The Society of the Unusual and All Things Unknown." What a mouthful, right?

But in these letters are accounts of downright haunting happenings all across our fair lands. In honor of such dedication to research and information, we're going to be sharing their letters with all of you. Today, we have a tale of mind-bending oddness coming straight out of Coerthas:

------------

The Curious Case of Amnesia

Long have the lands to the north been rife with tales of strange events and monsters in the trees. Mister Sumi, have you ever heard of the Missing Camp? Neither did we, until we got our hands on some very juicy books at the library.

It happened a long time ago--centuries, even--that a group of hunters disappeared into the woods of Coerthas. When they never reported back to camp, other members of the camp went to look for them, also never to return.
Friends from neighboring villages who relied on the hunt tried next. Then the knights went to look when they didn't come back either.

For over a week, there was no hide nor hair of the missing people. They just vanished into thin air! Isn't that exciting?

Anyroads. After the week, the hunters and villagers all came back, all as clean and dressed as they were when they left. But here's the strangest part of the record: they were all old! Or older, as the case may be.

And not a single one could recall where they'd been or how long they were gone. No amount of questions ever amounted to answers.

The knights, however, never came back. Isn't that strange?

...Do you think it's real?

Lead Reporter for the Lominsan Whale Tale, Lionnet Fauconnoix, has returned to the office.

When found, he was stumbling about, muttering words unintelligible, and covered in what appeared to be common table sugar. His pockets were also lined with a variety of sweet treats.

Where could he have gone? Why is there so much sugar? Did he get bewitched away into the forest like a child's fairy tale?
We here at the news are wondering exactly the same thing! More details coming as the story develops!

Remember, pick up a copy of the Whale Tale today to continue the story! You won't find this one in the Herald!

--Susumi Sumi, Founder and Editor of the Lominsan Whale Tale

"Lead reporter, Lionnet Fauconnoix, is currently missing, unreachable by linkpearl, and unaccounted for. He was last sighted two days ago in the vicinity of the Min Khetto Amphitheater before making his way towards the gates.

He is an elezen of duskwight descent, tall as can be expected, with pink hair. If anyone has any clue as to his whereabouts, please contact us immediately."

--Susumi Sumi, Founder and Editor of the Lominsan Whale Tale

"I come to you once again, my dear readers, with a tale of mystery and deceit!

The week before the return of the Saints is, as we all know, the week of All Saints Walk.

And for those of us not in the know--All Saints Walk is the fashion event of the fall season in Ul'dah. Master weavers from across the city and the realm gather to show off the finest, brightest, and most frightening visages their hands can create.

This season, however, ended rather abruptly (and with a bang) as smoke filled the guild hall and forced an evacuation.

Imagine how shocked the members of the guild must have been, then, when they investigated the source of the smoke and found no fire at all! What they located instead were several oddly made little balls, spewing out smoke and ash and reeking of several hells.

Upon returning to the hall to inform the guests, they were surely even more shocked to find that several of the still unworn and yet-unshowcased costumes were gone!

According to reports, the missing costumes included "a flowing gown, sparkling and sugar-spun", "a suit fit for the ghastly king of the pumpkin patch himself", and "the robes of the void lord, complete with the mask of a crow."

If anyone has any information on who might have pulled off such a heist on the guild, please contact...."

We here at the Whale Tale strive to keep you up to date with all the amazing, fantastical, bizzare, and otherwise underreported happenings from all over Eorzea. Today, we cover a strange one indeed!

Recently, residents of every corner of the continent, as far as Coerthas and as near as our own Drowning Wench, have been reporting...better eyes!
That's right, people. For reasons yet unknown, despite the best efforts of the most astute scholars of Sharlyan, everyone's eyesight seems to be improving! A magical phenomenon or the result of something in the air, who can say? And is it really such a bad thing to get a little boost to the old vision? I, for one, look in the mirror every morning and I can say I've never looked better!

But don't take my word for it. Let's hear some quotes from our people on the street:

"Has everything always been this shiny?"
"My hair looks incredible. Touch it." (We opted to deny that request. Sorry!)
"This fish is so bright! Are those scales made of glitter?"
"Is it bad I want to squish my neighbor's face? It just looks so soft..."
"Coulda fooled me. Almost had me convinced a Lalafell's got a soul."
"Whoo~oo aaare yoo~ooou~?"

And that's all for today, Limsa Lominsa! Stay tuned for more breaking updates!

The days are longer, the nights are hotter, and the first days of summer are upon us, folks!
Some of you may remember the obstacle course present at our very own Moonfire Faire. The Twelve know I sure do. Yours truly fought valiantly for the first scoop from the top of the tower, but bombs have no respect for good journalism.

But that brings us to our next point! Moonfire Faire comes at the end of the summer, as the sun sets and the jellyfish glow. Tell me, dear readers, why we should have to wait such a long time to prove our mettle on the tower?

And it looks like I'm not the only one clamouring for an early re-run! One local orange farmer has spent the better part of the off season creating his very own obstacle course for just such an occasion. Located just south of Summerford Farms, this course is said to boast no fewer than five towers, multiple rings and logs, and plenty of opportunities to fall into a muddy grave (Mud, of course, because those oranges need their water). The challenge rating is, supposedly, quite difficult.

To celebrate the occasion, Wynzguld Lyngmholsyn is calling on all would-be Eorzean Heroes to take on his pride and joy. The first to the flag at the highest tower is promised a hefty sack of gil, a secret prize of his choosing, and an all-you-can-eat pass to the Bismark, who will also be providing refreshments nearby. Really, who could turn that down?
But be warned! Old Wynzguld took more than a few pointers from Moonfire Tower...

"...And in other news: if you haven't been to Gridania recently, the Whale Tale is here with the latest from our favorite (and only) Shroud city-state.

Rumors of strange happenings in the forest are nothing new. Tales of monsters, Greenwrath, and Nophica's mercy have been told around the fire since the sprouting of the oldest tree in the Shroud. One of the newest stories, first recorded only a few years ago, tells of a royal court built on the bones of the dead and dying and only appearing while the saints are away. Ghosts and screaming trees are merely attendants to a horrible queen, her visage as ghastly as the beasts that serve her.

Should you find yourself welcomed to her stately feast of cake and tarts with a side of tea, you would do well to pour out your drink and hide your biscuits. After all, who knows what a traveler with an empty belly might bind himself to? As they say: never accept food from demons. Or anything not of this world.

(Or strangers, for the parents out there.)

Just a few days ago, a small band of people came stumbling out of the woods and to the gates, mumbling and delirious. One had a face full of sugar and an aching belly while another was cursing every tree and shaking an antique lance that was quickly confiscated. Residents who moved to aid them noted they smelled like chocolate. Could these have been the unfortunate victims of the queen? Only time will tell."

"...Once again, chaos reigns at Ul'dah's own ring of gladiatorial combat. Readers of a good memory might recall that, within the span of several months, there were two separate incidents involving escaped beasts meant for the grand finale. Between the stampede and cleaning up a number of putrid slime trails, the costs of these events have finally been calculated and come out to just over 1.2 million gil. And that is nothing to sneeze at!

The extra security hired in the interim spotted a mysterious figure hanging in the shadows just a bit too close to a wild gobbue's cage. When confronted, they allegedly let out a string of words that can't be repeated in this article before fleeing the scene on foot. Security agrees that the voice was distinctly female and they chased her through a back alley that eventually leads to Pearl Lane before they lost her.

If you have any information on this individual, please contact...."

"....As previously reported, the Gladiator's Guild of Ul'dah recently suffered a catastrophic setback when a herd of stampede-inclined bull aurochs meant for the ring escaped their confinement. Multiple injuries were reported and damages in gil were estimated at five figures at the time of the event, though costs have risen further since then. Guild representatives placed the blame on faulty locks and subsequently ordered a new set of cages.

Just last week, a similar event occurred and the new cages found themselves once again opened and their contents escaped. Instead of aurochs, however, these custom made cages held swamp morbols. While they were thankfully rounded up before serious injury or illness could occur, blame was once again placed on problems with the locks. Morbols, for the unaware, are the subject of heavy debate amongst botanists and animal handlers, who can't quite agree on whether it's an animal or a plant. What they do agree on, however, is that you don't want to be on the wrong end of their mouths. Not only do they sport multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth, but their breath is notorious for being awful. In fact, it's so legendarily and uniquely terrible, that it can leave a man unable to function for anywhere from hours to days to the rest of his life. Which may not be very long at all if treatment isn't administered immediately. And if their breath doesn't get you, their vines will. Research from Sharlyan suggests that a fully grown morbol's vines can squeeze with so much pressure that it could crush a grown man in seconds. Fitting for the ring, perhaps, but you certainly don't want one running through your neighborhood.

Perhaps related, the guild has been putting out ads for extra hands, seeing a clear need for increased security around the arena. What a surprise.

Maybe they should check those locks one more time.

Currently, guild representatives have not announced the cause of the second escape."

The article goes on to suggest that the infamous escape (and subsequent stampede) of the aurochs from the Ul'dahn gladiator's arena may not have been due to a faulty lock system, despite guild officials claiming otherwise.

".......It's no secret that the combat arena of Ul'dah, operated by the Gladiator's Guild, likes to change the game from time to time to keep the fans interested. This week, a herd of aurochs, meant to offer a challenge to combatants in a winner-take-all scramble, escaped their cages and subsequently went on a rampage. While aurochs have been long been bred into docility, the fact of the matter is that these gentle giants are still, in fact, giants. Weighing over 700 ponze and sporting horns twice the length of a hyuran arm, a single charging auroch can cause untold damage if not stopped. Reports from the guild state that the cages contained seven. Somehow, one remains unaccounted for. What became of the beast is currently unknown, but Ul'dah currently has no reports of an angry bull loose on the streets. Damages have ranged into five figures and multiple injuries have been confirmed. Guild representatives have placed the blame for the event on a faulty locking system. A now former guild accountant, whose name remains undisclosed, was fired and fined for cutting corners when purchasing the lock system. One representative was quoted as saying 'you can't trust these cheap locks. Look at them, they barely fit around the cages.'

The question that has yet to be answered, however, is this: Where did quality control break down?

The accountant may have ordered them, but the variety of handlers and guards that go in and out of the back halls surely would have noticed if the locks 'didn't fit around the cages' at some point. Additionally, the creatures were fit into not one, but four cages. Perhaps a faulty lock on one cage might be believable, but four of them? Doubtful!

The details don't add up and the trail of crumbs suggests that someone is hiding the sandwich behind their back. What is the Gladiator's Guild trying to hide from the public?

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the last auroch, please contact......"