We left the lizardfolk's city, having remained overnight to begin our journey in the morning. I left there with little hope, and the weight of that was heavy.
I'd watched them once I'd recuperated, and there was a quiet sort of togetherness as they rested; subtle in their affection. But it was there in the way they lay, in how they shared small gestures with each other. We had saved these people, and it left a sort of wound in me to know that it would be my actions that would probably destroy those who they considered gods, and possibly their own lives too in the process.
The seer had said that it would be in saving their gods that they would stand with me, and that only the actions to do that would create an alliance, but the elves of Merdelain are not what they once were, and what little I know of the shadowfell only corroborates what Ularan told me; that they would have been corrupted by their stay there. To bring them back, as they were would be largely impossible if they had been so altered, and while Bane told me that it might be possible to use something else to fuel their resurrection, he said that only something powerful enough and significant enough would work, such as the sacrifice of Ularan. Considering he is the one who knows and understands how to perform the ritual, not to mention he didn't appear to be weary of his life when he met us, I hardly think that is a viable option at all.
It pains me though, to know that in time their drive and hope will be dashed because of my actions. That their very lives may be cut short because of it. I watched them sleep, and their subtle affection for each other was painful to watch, in part because once more I was looking in on another group that shared such things with each other, one I could not integrate with, much like my own clan. Tabaxi are affectionate, tactile, expressive, but it never came easily to me. It bothered me more, watching it in the lizardfolk, than seeing it in humans or elves somehow, as if the gulf between me and others had the potential for being less with them, only to find it just as yawning with the weight of the path I have ended on.
When I asked about trying to change the outcome for the lizardfolk somehow, Bane told me, "A leaf in the wind is unable to determine its course. Be not the leaf but the Scythe." He seems to want me to be more decisive and confident in my own self-determination, but the Three have taken me from everything I ever felt certain about.
How can I be confident and demanding in anything other than the necessity of their resurrection? Ularan holds 27 fragments of Their power, while I hold but one. He also has a vast amount of knowledge and understanding that I simply do not, and he seems determined to put Merdelain to that blade of sacrifice. I think perhaps the best I can hope for is to keep the lizardfolk from battle, and perhaps see whether they would be happier bending knee to the fae lords, as I believe modern elves originated from them. Perhaps that origin would be enough, although I have little liking for talking to any of the fae. Even Arya, who has been travelling with us, is an anomaly to me, and she has been living on the material realm for some time.
But first I need to speak to Ularan properly, for the Three's plans revolve around him, and he is currently under attack from a rebellion this time apparently. Perhaps bringing reinforcements to aid him in quashing it will offer some negotiating power on my side.
We have the possibility of having reinforcements to bring, other than ourselves, for we have ended up in a small stronghold of those allied to him. They are dangerous, profoundly so, and I can only hope that in bringing them to his aid we are not inadvertently bringing a threat his way, for they seem the sort to take opportunities when they can. They are allied with him now, but will they remain so if they see power they can grab? Only time will tell.
Through it all though, I know I cannot turn my back on Ularan's plight, for when I had asked the Three about how to safeguard the power I hold for them, should I fall, they told me in no uncertain terms that I could not. While Ularan is powerful, should he fall, I cannot help but think that the same would be for him, and that would be a situation that is horrific in its implications.