[Written on the reverse of Foul King of the Mines']
I still don’t think I am a fan of this song. It is funny, really: the story it tells is not that far from the truth, but it just FEELS so insincere. I wonder if anyone else would be able to tell? Probably not I guess. But I will always look at it and know that it isn’t the song I wanted to write. The song I wanted to write would have been angry and cruel. And wouldn’t have helped anybody. Well, it might have made me feel a little better I suppose.
But at least I feel less overwhelmed this morning. I wouldn’t have said my feelings have lessened as much as they have matured. Anger has given way to sadness; a feeling I am much more accustomed to and altogether much more prepared to handle. And with our little band seemingly determined to ignore yesterday’s awfulness in favour of marching forward and pretending that everything is fine, at least it doesn’t look like we’ll be having another confrontation again any time soon.
I spoke with Helikaon last night. It helped. He was angry, as I was, but held himself with so much more poise than I could muster. The failure of conscience of some of our companions wasn’t such a surprise to him, I think. He seemed used to it. Like he expects people to disappoint him. And I guess there is no point in arguing, or in shouting, if you have such a low opinion of everyone. I can’t say I share his outlook: it seems such a lonely way to view the world. But I understand.
I wonder if this circlet has helped calm me too? It had a remarkable effect on that monster: I half expected to start speaking like him! I haven’t, to be clear, but I do feel a little different. I’ve woken this morning with a clarity that is hard to explain. I guess I didn’t really realise it before but, up until now, everything has been a bit fuzzy: like being in a dream, or maybe even slightly drunk.
But now, it is like a fog has lifted in my mind. There was nothing to find under the fog - I have no new knowledge that I can tell, and I’m not going to suddenly be able to sail a ship or start speaking Dwarven - but everything is just that little bit clearer. A few days ago, I was afraid I’d keep forgetting things, but I am not so worried about that anymore. My thoughts and the memories I do have feel more ordered, more solid, and they no longer feel like they might slip through my fingers. It is kind of a relief, all told.