CREDIT SEQUENCE
"INNISTRAD - GAVONY PROVINCE"
INT. 714 AVA CARRIAGE (MOVING) - JUST PRIOR TO DAWN
An old mule-breaker, wooden and rotting, 695 Trostad Carriageworks Roller BARRELS down a lifeless street on the outskirts of Wittal. In the driver's box and sideseat of the carriage are two young fellas - one Tabaxi, one Orc - wearing cheap silks and faded wraps about the mid-waist. Their names are VINCENT MOTHERFUCKER (Tabaxi) and JULES MOORLAND (Orc). Jules is in the driver's box.
JULES
Okay now, tell me about the Avacyte dens?
VINCENT
What so you want to know?
JULES
Well, Avacyte is legal there, right?
VINCENT
Yeah, it’s legal, but it ain’t a hundred percent legal. I mean you can’t walk into an inn, crush some Avacyte, and start gummin’ away. You’re only supposed to gum in your own home or certain designated places.
JULES
Those are the Avacyte dens?
VINCENT
Yeah, it breaks down like this: it’s legal to buy it, it’s legal to own and, if you’re the proprietor of the Avacyte den, it’s legal to sell it. It’s legal to carry it, which doesn’t really matter ‘cause - get a load of this - if the City Watch stops you, it’s illegal to search you. Searching you is a right that City Watch in Hanweir don’t have.
JULES
That did it, man - I’m fuckin’ goin’, that’s all there is to it.
VINCENT
You’ll dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about Hanweir is?
JULES
What?
VINCENT
It’s the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but they’re a little different.
JULES
Examples?
VINCENT
Well, in Hanweir, you can buy rotwine at the galas. And I don’t mean in a moldy flagon either. They give you a proper mug of rotwine, like at the tavern. In Hanweir, you can even buy rotwine at Hubert’s. Also, you know what they call an Owlbear steak with potatoes in Hanweir?
JULES
They don’t call it an Owlbear steak with potatoes?
VINCENT
No, they got a whole different taxonomy there. They wouldn’t even know that the fuck an Owlbear is.
JULES
What’d they call it?
VINCENT
Bearbird with potatoes.
JULES
Bearbird with potatoes. What’d they call Flumph steak?
VINCENT
Flump steak’s a Flumph steak, but they call it Flumph Fillet..
JULES
Flumph Fillet. What do they call an Ankheg steak?
VINCENT
I dunno, I never saw that on the menu. But you know what they put on potatoes in Hanweir instead of gutsauce?
JULES
What?
VINCENT
Cube Juice.
JULES
Goddamn!
VINCENT
I Seen ‘em do it. And I don’t mean a little bit on the side of the plate, they fuckin’ drown ‘em in it.
JULES
Uuccch!
CUT TO:
INT. CARRIAGE (REAR BOOT) - JUST PRIOR TO DAWN, SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE WITTAL
The rear boot of the carriage OPENS UP, Jules and Vincent reach inside, taking out two rapiers, one crystalline and radiating faintly, one silvered and ornate.
JULES
We should have some heavier duty shit for this kind of deal.
VINCENT
How many up there?
JULES
Three or four.
VINCENT
Counting our guy?
JULES
I’m not sure.
VINCENT
So there could be five up there? Our guy and four thrall?
JULES
It’s possible.
VINCENT
We should have fuckin’ heavier duty shit.
3
[4:37 PM]
They CLOSE the rear boot.
CUT TO:
EXT. RUN DOWN MANOR COURTYARD - JUST PRIOR TO DAWN
Vincent and Jules, their rapiers catching the first faint rays of sunrise, walk through the courtyard of what looks like vampire style holdout in an rundown Wittalian manor.
We TRACK alongside.
VINCENT
What’s her name?
JULES
Gisla.
VINCENT
How did Einar and her meet?
JULES
I dunno, however people meet people. She usta be Sungold Sentinel.
VINCENT
She ever fight in any battle I woulda head of?
JULES
I think her biggest deal was leading the charge at Getander Pass.
VINCENT
Where’s that?
JULES
Well, you know, between Avabrug and the Farbogs.
VINCENT
I don’t follow Kessig politics so much no more.
JULES
Yes, but you’re aware that there’s a war going on, and that Kessig and Stensia are sharing a major front at the moment. And the charge of the Sungold basically determined the outcome of the whole Northern Front. Gisla and the Sungold gifted the front to the Dawnhart. Many died, but Gisla and her brigade survived. She survived, and some don’t, but she managed to become something out of it. She became something when many of the Sungold became nothing.
They enter the manor.
INT. GROUND FLOOR (MANOR) - DAWN
Vincent and Jules walk through the ground floor, approaching the grand staircase.
JULES
You remember Sudiger Krichland? Half-golbin, half-elven, used to call him Suggy Riverman.
VINCENT
Yeah, maybe, stanky right?
JULES
I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother stanky. He’s got a smell problem for sure. Rotten chicken. What’s the gobby gonna do though, he’s from the Kirch.
VINCENT
I think I know who you mean, what about him.
JULES
Well, Einar fucked his ass up good. And word around the campfire, it was on account of Einar’s wife.
The men start to ascend the grand staircase.
GRAND STAIRCASE (ASCENDING) - DAWN
VINCENT
What’d he do, fuck her?
JULES
No no no no no no no, nothin’ that bad.
VINCENT
Well what then?
JULES
He bought her a sloppy Owlbear steak.
VINCENT
A sloppy Owlbear steak?
VINCENT
That’s all.
Jules nods his head: “Yes.”
VINCENT
What did Einar do?
JULES
Sent a couple of guys over to his place. They took him out on the balcony of his manor. Threw his ass over the balustrade. Gobby fell four stories. They had a garden at the bottom, enclosed in glass, like one of them Dawnhouses, and gobby fell through that. Since then he's kinda developed a speech impediment.
Jules and Vincent reach the top of the grand staircase.
VINCENT
That’s a damn shame.
INT. RUN DOWN MANOR - DAWN
STEADICAM in front of Jules and Vincent as they make a beeline down the hall.
VINCENT
Still, I hafta say, play with matches, ya get burned.
JULES
Whaddya mean?
VINCENT
You don’t be buyin’ Einar Fulk’s new bride a sloppy steak.
JULES
You don’t think he overreacted?
VINCENT
Sudiger probably didn’t expect Einar to react like he did, but he had to expect a reaction. (edited)
2
2
[4:37 PM]
JULES
It was an Owlbear steak, a steak is nothing, I buy my mother a steak all the time.
VINCENT
It’s buyin food for Einar’s Fulk’s new wife in a familiar way. Is it as bad as dropping a bloodline with her - no, but you’re in the same fuckin’ citysquare.
Jules stops Vincent.
JULES
Whoa. . . .Whoa. . . whoa. . . stop right there..Droppin’ a bloodline and buyin’ a bitch a sloppy steak ain’t even the same fuckin’ thing.
VINCENT
Not the same thing, the same citysquare.
JULES
It ain’t no citysquare either. Look maybe your method of enjoyment differs frome mine, but droppinin’ a bloodline and munchin’ on a stake ain’t the same league, ain’t even the same fuckin’ sport. Bloody steaks don’t mean shit.
VINCENT
Have you actually fed someone a bloody steak?
JULES
Don’t be tellin’ me about bloody steaks - I’m the steak master.
VINCENT
Bought a lot of them ‘em?
JULES
Shit yeah, I got my technique down man, I don’t trickle or nothing’.
VINCENT
So you ever buy a cat a steak?
Jules looks at him for a long moment - he’s been set up.
JULES
Fuck you.
He starts walking down the hall. Vincent, smiling, walks a little bit behind.
VINCENT
How Many?
JULES
Fuck you.
VINCENT
Would you buy me a steak - I’m a bit peckish.
JULES
Man, you best back off, I’m gittin’ pissed - this is the door.
The two men stand in front of the door. They whisper.
JULES
What time is it?
VINCENT
(checking his chronometer)
Pre-Dawn.
JULES
It ain’t quite time, let’s hang back.
They move a little away from the door, facing each other, still whispering.
JULES
Look, just because I wouldn’t buy a cat a steak, don’t make it right for Einar to throw Sudiger off a building into a glass-motherfuckin-house, fuckin’ up the way the gobby talks. That ain’t right man. Gobby do that to me, he better paralyze my ass, ‘cause I’d kill a motherfucker.
VINCENT
I’m not sayin’ he was right, but you’re sayin’ a sloppy steak don’t mean nothing, and I’m saying it does. I’ve given a million ladies a million steaks and they all meant somethin’. We act like they don’t, but they do. That’s what’s so fuckin cool about ‘em. Make the steak a bit bloody and this sensual thing’s going that nobody’s talkin about, but you know it and she knows it, fuckin’ Einar knew it, and Suggy shoulda known fuckin’ better. That’s his fuckin’ wife, man. He ain’t gonna have a sense of humor about that shit. And, if that steak was too sloppy, and let me be clear - too bloody - well then, Einar got another thing to worry about.
JULES
That’s an interesting point, but let’s get into character.
VINCENT
What’s her name again?
JULES
Gisla. Why you so interested in big man’s wife?
VINCENT
Well, Einar is leavin’ for Havengul and when he’s gone, he wants me to take care of Gisla.
JULES
Take care of her?
Sliding his finger across his throat and sticking his tongue out.
VINCENT
Not that! Take her out. Show her a good time. Don’t let her get lonely.
JULES
You’re gonna be takin’ GISLA Fulk out on a date?
VINCENT
It ain’t a date. It’s like when you and your buddy’s wife go to a gala or somethin’. It’s just... you know... good company.
Jules just looks at him.
VINCENT
It’s not a date.
Jules just looks at him.
INT. RUN DOWN MANOR - DAWN
THREE YOUNG GUYS, obviously in over their heads sit at a table with Owlbear steaks, potatoes and rotwine laid out.
One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to REVEAL Jules and Vincent in the hallway.
2
2
[4:38 PM]
JULES
Hey kids.
The two men stroll inside.
The three young caught-off-guard Guys are:
FRENK, the young Orc, who opened the door, will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner.
YAN, a young Goblin kid with a Locks of Falkenrath haircut, who has yet to say a word, sits at the table with a sloppy Owlbear steak in his hand.
BREND, a Goblin, with nice-looking clothes, shaved head, and sunken cheeks neatly eating an Owlbear steak.
Vincent and Jules take in the place, with their hands in their robes. Jules is the one who does the talking.
JULES
How you boys doin’?
No answer.
JULES
(to Brend)
Am I trippin’, or did I just ask you a question.
BREND
We’re doin’ okay.
As Jules and Brend talk, Vincent moves behind the young Guys.
JULES
Bit dark in here with the curtains pulled. Do you know who we are?
Brend shakes his head: “No.”
We’re associates of your business partner Einar Fulk, you remember your business partner dont’ya?
No answer.
JULES
(to Brend)
Now I’m gonna take a wild guess here: you’re Brend, Right?
BREND
I’m Brend.
JULES
I thought so. Well, you remember your business partner Einar Fulk, dont’ya Brend?
BREND
I remember him.
JULES
Good for you. Looks like me and Been Sent caught you at breakfast, sorry about that. What’cha eatin’?
BREND
Owlbear steak and potatoes.
JULES
Owlbear steak and potatoes. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda Owlbear steak?
BREND
Rare.
JULES
No, I mean where did you get it? Medard’s, Hubert’s, Owl King, where?
BREND
Big Bloody Bear.
JULES
Big Bloody Bear. That’s that Stensian joint. I heard they got some tasty steaks, if not a bit bloody. I ain’t never had one myself, how are they?
BREND
They’re good.
JULES
Mind if I try yours?
BREND
No.
JULES
(Jules grabs the steak and takes a bite of it.)
Damn that’s good, if a bit bloody.
(blood dripping running down from his mouth)
Uuummmm, that’s a tasty steak.
(to Vincent)
Bins, you even try a Big Bloody Bear steak?
VINCENT
No.
Jules holds out the Big Bloody Bear.
JULES
(blood dripping from his chin)
You wanna bite, it’s real good.
VINCENT
I ain’t hungry.
JULES
(wiping blood from his chin,his right hand trailing to the hilt of his rapier)
Well, if you like Owlbear steaks give ‘em a try sometime. Me, I can’t usually eat ‘em ‘cause my girlfriend’s a Beleranian. Which more or less makes me a Beleranian, but I sure love the taste of a good steak.
(to Brend)
You know what they call an Owlbear steak with potatoes in Hanweir?
BREND
No.
JULES
Tell ‘em Been Sent.
VINCENT
Bearbird with potatoes.
JULES
Bearbird with potatoes, you know why they call it that?
BREND
Because of their different taxonomic orders?
2
2
[4:38 PM]
JULES
Check out the big brain on Brend. You’re a smart motherfucker, that’s right. Different taxonomic orders.
(he points to a Big Bloody Bear drink cup)
What’s in this?
BREND
Rotwine.
JULES
Rotwine, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down.
BREND
(nervous)
Sure.
Jules grabs the cup with his left hand and takes a sip.
JULES
(more blood dripping down his chin)
Uuuuummmmm, hit the spot! A bit salty though...
(to Yan, pointing with the near-empty cup)
You, Locks of Flakenrath, you know what we’re here for?
Yan nods his head: “yes.”
JULES
Then why don’t you tell my boy here Bins, where you got the shit hid.
FRENK
It’s under the be -
JULES
-I don’t remember askin’ you a godsdamn thing.
(to Yan, pointing with the cup again)
You were sayin’?
YAN
It’s under the bed.
Vincent moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out an oiled leather satchel.
VINCE
Got it.
Vincent undoes the two buckles, opening the satchel. We can’t see what’s inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Vincent just stares at it, transfixed.
JULES
We happy?
No answer from the transfixed Vincent.
JULES
Been Sent!
Vincent looks up at Jules
JULES
We happy?
Closing the case.
VINCENT
No Jules. But we mostly happy.
BREND
(to Jules, pleading)
Look, what’s your name? I got his name’s Vincent, but what’s yours?
JULES
My name’s Julian, and you ain’t talkin’ your ass outta this shit. Vincent? He ain't no Vincent. He Been Sent. Been Sent by the Night Mother..
BREND
Been Sent by the Night Mother. What?
JULES
(to Brend)
Tabaxi, motherfucker, do you speak it?
BREND
What, no?
VINCENT
(to Jules)
It’s actually not Tabaxi. There is no Tabaxi so to speak. I just have a regional accent on account of being born in Lambholt.
JULES
(to Vincent)
Shut up, Vincent. He understand you just fine, he just pretending he don’t understand you.
As Jules talks, he palms his rapier and STABS Yan three times in the heart, back-handed and not looking.
Bins smiles to himself. Jules has got style.
Brend has just shit his pants. He’s not crying or whimpering, but he’s so full of fear, it’s as if his body is imploding.
JULES
(to Brend)
Oh, I’m sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please continue. I believe you were sayin’ something about not understanding what my friend Bins here was sayin’.
(Jules points his rapier at Brend)
But you understand what I’m sayin’?
BREND
What?
JULES
What I’m sayin’ Brend is this motherfucker is here to kill you, on account of all the shit not bein’ in that satchel.
BREND
(ouf of fear)
What?
JULES
Vincent Motherfucker. Been Sent by the Night Mother. He Who Has Been Sent To Kill YOU, motherfucker. Whatsamatter? You weren’t expecting that? Well, let me give you a chance at a reprieve. A test so to speak.. Tell me, how would you describe Einar Falk’s patience and penchant for forgiveness?
Brend still can’t speak.
[4:38 PM]
Jules SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Brend. Brend now sits alone in a chair before Jules, like a prisoner in front of an Inquisitor.
JULES
What province you from!
BREND
(petrified)
What?
JULES
“What” ain’t no province I know! Do they drink blood in “What?”
BREND
(near heart attack)
What?
JULES
(throwing the near empty Big Bloody Bear cup at Brend, splattering and drenching Brend in viscous liquid)
Blood-motherfucker-do-you-drink-it?
BREND
What?
JULES
Blood, do you drink it in the Reach?
BREND
(gripping his chair, and out of fear)
What?
Jules takes out his silvered rapier and PRESSES the tip of the blade HARD on Brend’s heart.
JULES
Say “What” again! C’mon, say “What” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say “What” one more godsdamn time!
Brend is regressing on the spot.
JULES
Now, tell me, motherfucker, do you drink blood in the Reach?!
Brend does his best.
BREND
Well I . . . I . . .sometimes eat a sloppy -
JULES
-go on!
BREND
. . . I sometimes eat a sloppy steak -
JULES
-I said do you ever drink blood?!
BREND
(without thinking)
What?
Jules’ eyes go to Vincent, Vincent smirks, Jules rolls his eyes and STABS Brend in the shoulder.
Brend SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair. His flesh is seared and smoking.
JULES
Do you ever drink blood?!
BREND
(in agony)
No.
JULES
Then why you got a cup from Big Bloody Bear with liquid lineage in it, bitch?!
BREND
(in agony)
I don’t.
JULES
Then why, when I drink outta that cup do I taste some random bloodline in my mouth, bitch?!
BREND
(in spasm)
I don’t.
Now in a lower voice.
JULES
Yes, ya do Brend. Ya gone ordered some liquid lineage, and you made me slurp some fuckin’ random bloodline when my girlfiend is a motherfuckin’ Beleranian. You ever read the Script of Avacyn, Brend?
BREND
(in spasm)
Yes.
JULES
There’s a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Mikaeus 25:17. “The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the shadowed and the tyranny of the blood-drinkers.Blessed is he who in the name of Avacyn shepherds the weak through the Farbogs, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison me and drink the blood from the veins of my brothers. And you will know my name is Avacyn when I lay my vengeance upon you.
The two men STAB their rapiers at the same time on the sitting Brend, repeatedly
AGAINST BLACK, TITLE CARD:
“BEEN SENT BY THE NIGHT MOTHER TO KILL SOME VAMPIRES”
FADE IN:
MEDIUM SHOT - VINCENT MOTHERFUCKER
We FADE UP on VINCENT MOTHERFUCKER, now disrobed of his top silks, and soaked in blood. He wipes the blood from his crystal blade, staring down the length at Jules, who is savoring a bite of Owlbear steak.
JULES
Yeah, well turns out you got to wait a bit before taking Gisla Fulk out. Thralls only had half of Einar’s goods in that satchel. Looks like you headed up past Getander and into the mountains. You gotta track that blood bond to the vampire pulling the strings. I’ll let Einar know. Be seein’ you, motherfucker.
2
2
[4:38 PM]
VINCENT
(laughs, sheathing his rapier)
Yeah, see you Julian.
JULES
Hey, you lay off that Avacyte, alright?
VINCENT
Yeah. Bet they don’t got that in Geier Reach anyway.
JULES
Yeah, but they got much more fucked up shit there.
VINCENT
You probably right.
JULES
Ain’t not probably about it Vincent. Shit’s fucked up in the Reach.
VINCENT
So I heard.
JULES
You come back in one piece. I don’t want to see no Tabaxi with potatoes on the menu when I visit Geier Reach on holiday. I’m not into that shit.
VINCENT
(laughs)
No, I doubt that you are. Truth is I hope I don’t see that on the menu either.
JULES
Good. I ain’t up for dippin any part of you in no Cube Juice anyway.
VINCENT
For real. Gotta imagine that doesn’t feel so good, all the acid and all. Not to mention the part about bein’ cut up into little pieces too.
(he looks Jules in the eyes)
I’ll look you up next time I’m in The High City. Avacyte’s on me.
JULES
You bet it’s on you.
(looking away)
Now go find that vampire. Vincent Motherfucker. Goddamn. Vampires...
(whispering)
Fuck.