The Department of Malignant Mysteries, a department of investigators equipped with magic, rises from its lull when a priceless painting disappears from the Lordly Tailor's exhibition under unbelievable circumstances.
The Painting of the Lordly Tailor Shrouded in Mystery
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July 17th, 2024
Word count: 0
[WIP] Transcript: Investigation, Day 1
One way or another, people find themselves at the Department of Malignant Mysteries.
They might have been suggested into the Department, they might have been approached by this kooky lady who calls herself Misty Clue...
Either way, they now stand in front of the... closed door of the department. The aforementioned lady is nowhere to be found.
Not much to do but introduce themselves to the other lost wandering souls who found themselves here, they suppose.
Ema Skye
(...Somehow, this being in a shoebox doesn't surprise me. Even Holmes' office is bigger.)
(And that's ALSO a shoebox.)
Fop. Stop preening in front of the window. You look fine.
Klavier Gavin
Fraulein, I am hoping to catch the last breaths of fresh air. These are the only windows we've seen, ja?
Ema Skye
Because you insisted on taking the stairs. That's hardly my fault.
Klavier Gavin
Have you seen the elevator? It's a classic. From the seventies.
Ema exhales through her nose as she looks out the window, her thumb running along the strap of her bag.
Ema Skye
Sure.
Mel Valance
(All this way, and the lady isn't even here? Ugh.)
Klavier Gavin
Ah, but it seems there's been a risk-taker. I respect that.
Are you here for the mystery, Frau...?
Mel Valance
...Sure, we can call it that.
Kristoph makes his way up to the department. A tad late, but should still be on time.
Kristoph Gavin
Well, what a chance meeting. I take it I'm not interrupting your little chat, Klavier? Ms. Skye?
Klavier Gavin
...Hey, Fraulein, do you see him too?
Kristoph Gavin
Is something the matter?
Ema Skye
...Great. Love the government.
[So I wasn't invited to shadow; I was invited to babysit. Fuck. Me.]
Klavier Gavin
[I didn't know. A dark age of the law, ja?]
Ema Skye
[It's fine. I'll keep an eye on him. You just... do your thing.]
[Whatever that is.]
No, you weren't interrupting. I'm guessing you got invited too?
Kristoph Gavin
Indeed. Considering the menagerie gathered here,
I will safely assume I'm at the right place.
Mel Valance
(What a motley crew that's been picked out.)
Depends. You here for Miss Wizard's pleasure tour?
Kristoph Gavin
Choice of wording aside, that would appear to be the case.
Klavier Gavin
Ah, the place could not be more wrong by being so right!
Ah, ja, so we are.
I was so thrilled by the pamphlet she gave me, I took a day off.
Mel Valance
(She makes pamphlets, too? I thought the elevator pitch was enough.)
Klavier Gavin
It's a rare occasion I am on the receiving end of it! Who could miss such a bait?
But what brings you here?
Ema Skye
Me. I was this close to pawning it off on my coworker, but he bounced before I could snag him.
Mel Valance
Lady hasn't lost my phone number, and I figure it's a day off of work.
Kristoph Gavin
I got released for exceptionally good behaviour, and just so happened to chance upon a meeting with the lady herself.
This sort of job isn't one you really say "no" to.
Speaking of the devil, you soon here the aforementioned lady whistling down the corridor.
Klavier Gavin
...The show-runner, ja?
Misty Clue
La la la la~
Oh, there you all are! Glad all of you could make it!
Nooow, let me see if I remember the picks.
One Kristoph, one Klavier, both Gavins.
One Mel Valance, and one...
Hmmm. I'm guessing someone pawned this off onto you, Ms...?
Ema Skye
...Skye. Paranormal Affairs lead.
Justice was supposed to attend. You probably have his name down instead.
Misty Clue
Oooh, yep yep! Compliments to Chef Justice, he was cooking when he sent you! I can just smell the magic coming off of you!
Ema Skye
Ugh.
Thanks, I guess.
Mel Valance
[Get used to it, ghost. She's like this.]
Misty Clue
But, it's quite uncomfy out here. Let us make our way into the office, shall we?
Then we can talk some more and do maaaagic!
And investigations.
Misty goes on ahead, unlocking the door, motioning the crowd to follow.
Ema takes the first steps. May as well enter quickly, so you can leave quickly.
Valance enters the room with little fanfare.
Kristoph moves toward the office nonchalantly, gesturing to Klavier to follow.
Klavier follows the show, wherever it takes him. Hopefully away, like Dorothy.
The inside of the office is... messy.
Books and notes everywhere, some drawings on the floor and on the wall,
reminding you of runes from various cultures, in all honesty.
Misty Clue
And here we are!
Mel Valance
(How... homey.)
Ema immediately slides her glasses onto her nose and begins looking around, her thumbs hooked into her pockets.
In the narrow passage of the door, Klavier shoulder-checks the once-upon-a-time coolest attorney in the West.
Klavier Gavin
Ach, my bad.
Kristoph Gavin
Not at all.
Misty Clue
Do sit down, take a seat, I can offer some tea. Comes out of your paycheques, though.
Mel Valance
...I'll pass.
Ema Skye
I brought my own water, but thanks.
Klavier Gavin
Ah-ha, I would not mind the tea, Frau Clue.
Kristoph Gavin
My, what a...
charming little office you've got here.
Misty Clue
It is quite charming, isn't it! Been mine for the past 6 or so years.
And one tea coming up!
Misty quickly prepares the aforementioned tea, and hands it to Klavier. It tastes like too much water, and not enough tea.
Kristoph Gavin
I tend to stay away from coffee and tea nowadays. Bad omens. Do you have any water, perhaps?
Misty Clue
I... suppose.
Misty puts a cup under the tap, and gives it to Kristoph.
Ema Skye
What? Don't tell us you believe in tea readings now, bootleg.
Kristoph Gavin
Not exactly, but if that's how you wish to interpret it, I certainly won't stop you, Ms. Skye.
Misty Clue
Hmm, tea readings. That could be an interesting topic to explore later.
Nonetheless, I'm sure all of you are wondering just why exactly you all are here.
Mel Valance
Well, you got me there, Misty.
Misty Clue
Simple, really. Believe it or not, there exists magic in our world.
I picked you all up because I sensed powerful magic within you.
Do you know just where you are?
It's not a hard question. You've seen the plaques outside. The Department of Malignant Mysteries.
But do you know what that means?
Mel Valance
And what a name it is. Snrk.
Misty Clue
H-hey! I'm trying to sound cool here!
Just like... go with the flow!
Mel Valance
You lost any chance at sounding cool the second you put on that hat, Misty.
Not the spitting image of "cool" when you have to save your hat from falling off in narrow doorways.
Ema Skye
I feel like it's not fair if I say what it means. You three have fun.
Klavier Gavin
Ah, Fraulein, if I say it, I will have to bring up all the infamy about it! I'll spare the scene the tea.
Misty Clue
Wh-why are all of you like this?!
Klavier Gavin
Frau Clue, you have the spotlight, isn't that good?
Misty Clue
I guess! But this is a respectable government establishment doing a respectable government job!
You are all ruining my fun.
Mel Valance
(Government work is supposed to be fun?)
Misty Clue
Still, I suppose you all know what this place is about.
Investigating crimes that may have been committed with magic... using magic.
Ema Skye
...Sounds about right.
Kristoph Gavin
Not unheard of, given the whole spirit medium craze decades ago.
Misty Clue
We have received a few strongly-worded letters from the Kingdom of Khurain a few years back about some of our spells.
But that's neither here nor there.
Klavier Gavin
Ah, mein Bruder, you aught to never speak to ladies from Khura'in.
Ema Skye
Really?! I didn't think they'd care that much.
[That's good to know, though...]
Misty Clue
I was surprised myself. I thought they wouldn't notice.
Something about the disturbed souls or whatever.
Klavier Gavin
Nothing that wouldn't pass the Grand Witch Geneva Grimoire check, ja?
Mel Valance
...Pffffffff.
Kristoph Gavin
You know what they say about raising the dead. Don't be a necronomi-moron.
Ema Skye
...Alright. Bootleg's got some game in him still.
Mel Valance
...If someone is trying to make you raise the dead, you've already been necronomi-conned.
Ema Skye
...Ugh.
Mel Valance
(What, and mine wasn't funny?!)
Klavier Gavin
Perhaps we should return to our Clues, ja?
~ Recess ~
Misty Clue
...Necromancy aside, as I was saying, a new case just came in. And no, it is NOT related to raising the dead.
And I was thinking, what better way to celebrate Malmys getting a new case than by hiring some folks!
Though I was expecting one more of you, I admit. I'll deal with it, though.
Kristoph Gavin
Given my warm reception back at the front door, the dead might as well have been raised.
Klavier Gavin
Not another man on parole, ja?
Misty Clue
Look, I didn't know you two had a... backstory. I saw a powerful magic family, I snagged them all.
And no, he should be a detective, actually!
Mel Valance
How wonderfully... selective.
Kristoph Gavin
Oh, we'll get along just fine.
Dick Gumshoe
Um, excuse me, this wouldn't happen to be where the Department of Magical Mayhem or something like that meets?
Ema Skye
--?!
Misty Clue
Oh, the man of the hour! Yep, that's (almost) us, come on in!
Klavier Gavin
So it is! What timing, Detective!
Dick Gumshoe
Great! Sorry, the trains were all backed up today.
Mel Valance
Right, there's been some kind of maintenance down at a few of the stations the past couple days.
Renovations or whatever.
Misty Clue
Now, everyone, this man here's another LAPD pick. When I laid my eyes on him, I immediately knew I had to get him as well.
Ema Skye
...You make it sound like you're collecting Pokemono.
Mel Valance
(...Wait, another LAPD pick? How many of these people are cops?)
Misty Clue
You are all quite bountiful magic-wise. I can just smell it on you all.
Ema Skye
Ugh. Don't phrase it like that!
Klavier Gavin
Shiny Pokemono, too. You are a lucky lady, with a special nose, ja?
Kristoph Gavin
He's certainly got a reputation.
How is your salary doing, Detective?
Dick Gumshoe
There's only so much magic can do for a man like me, and unfortunately, my salary is not one of them.
But don't worry, pal! I'm still pumped up and ready to cast some spells.
Klavier Gavin
Not a yota better than your frozen assets, mein Bruder.
Kristoph Gavin
Oh, don't be so cold, Klavier. If you're so concerned, then sharing is caring.
Misty Clue
(How is it that they all know each other?!)
O-okay, I'm sensing some bad juju here, so I'll just... elaborate on the case.
Ema steps forward, placing herself between Klavier and Kristoph. While she may not have the height on them, she has the look of 'don't you dare' on her face.
Behave. Both of you.
Ema Skye
That'd be great.
Misty Clue
Thank you, Ema.
Now then! The case is honestly surprising, in many ways!
On the surface, it's a simple grand theft. A painting on display in an exhibition was stolen at Lordly Tailor.
How the painting was stolen, now that's the curious part.
You see, despite quite literally being packed full, nobody at the Lordly Tailor could tell how the painting disappeared.
It's almost as if it was... magic. There at one moment, gone in the next.
Ema Skye
...And it's not turned up anywhere since?
Misty Clue
Correct. The detectives on the crime, despite having a few suspects, could not find the painting since then.
They're also held down by another case happening at about the same time, but that's spoilers.
Mel Valance
("We couldn't figure it out" is enough to call in the wizards?)
Ema Skye
Figures.
Dick Gumshoe
Man, this sounds like a real headscratcher.
Kristoph Gavin
A wannabe Mask☆DeMasque is all I am gathering from this.
Ema Skye
(If it were a copy-cat, they'd have left a calling-card... but it sounds like it's been pretty quiet.)
Misty Clue
Dunno what that is, but another curious point of the case is how fast the department got it.
You might have noticed, but Malmys here doesn't get... a lot of respect.
So I usually just get long cold cases dropped into my lap.
First time in a good bit that I got a day-old case!
Mel Valance
Huzzah for you, I suppose.
Misty Clue
Huzzah for me indeed! This is great news! We're back in relevancy!
But, that's the case so far. Any questions?
Klavier Gavin
(I wouldn't be so sure it's your guardian angel that dropped this case into your lap, Frau Clue.)
Ema Skye
None from me. Sounds straightforward enough.
Kristoph Gavin
We can't jump to conclusions until we investigate personally.
I'm all for humoring the magic angle, after we've disproven the possibility of a regular culprit.
Misty Clue
Oh, don't worry; though we're doing magic here, saying "a wizard did it" is completely opposite to how we operate.
As you might have noticed, not a lot of people believe in magic. This includes normal everyday people, but also the police force, prosecutors, and defence attorneys.
Saying "oh yeah, they magicked it away" isn't going to cut it.
Klavier Gavin
Avoiding the trap of assumptions, ja? You are a professional.
Misty Clue
Mhm! What I usually do is work backwards -- find out what truly happened, then see if I can give the police a reasonable, mundane explanation to work with.
Kristoph Gavin
I have a... deep relationship with magicians, but they were the more "sleight of hand" kind.
Ema Skye
...Sounds like less paperwork, at the very least.
Misty Clue
That's a benefit. A drawback is that a more reasonable explanation... doesn't always exist.
Mel Valance
What happens then?
Misty Clue
Simple: the case goes cold. Colder than it has been. I keep track of the actual truth, but I know I can't just pass it along.
And since the department can't make criminal arrests... that's that.
Dick Gumshoe
We've had a lot of fake "flying" incidents at the department. A lot of the guys there think magic is all just bunk.
Mel Valance
(I would hope the cops think magic isn't real...)
Misty Clue
I would love if the cops thought magic is real...
But, you handle the cards life deals you!
I suppose you all are ready to investigate the crime scene, then?
Mel Valance
Might as well. You already have us here.
Dick Gumshoe
Yea! Let's get to it!
Kristoph Gavin
I'd love to see it for myself, as well.
Misty Clue
Perfect! Then let's not waste time!
And as she says that, she starts walking... deeper into the office.
Misty Clue
Come on, come on!
Mel Valance
...Front door is the other way, Misty.
Misty Clue
Surely you didn't think I'd go to the crime scene instead of bringing it to my office, right?
Dick Gumshoe
Woah... This place is full of tricks.
Kristoph Gavin
Pardon?
Mel Valance
You... huh?
Misty Clue
Come on, come on! To the Reconstruction Room!
...Ema's trying to remain stoic, but there's a sensation of her vibrating--
Ema Skye
...It's a TARDIS situation! Hell yes!
And like that, she's already following after Misty. Later, losers.
Klavier Gavin
The... what, now? Ach, just hold on--
Dick Gumshoe
Alright, this is what I was looking for!
Mel Valance
(Wow, the ghost seems happy.)
Kristoph Gavin
Watch that you don't make like a companion and get left out, dear brother.
Klavier hurries after them.
Valance heaves a sigh before trailing after the group.
Kristoph nonchalantly walks after the rest, leisurely taking his time. Freedom's good.
July 10th, 2024
July 17th, 2024
Word count: 2,182