Loose threads None. We take care of business
Participants Pita, Injera, Cornelius Wintercrest, Balkan, Dez
Locations Greenside, First Landing Port, Your mom's house
Short summary: I...uh...we found...scammers? and dealt with them.
Full Report
I will simply start this out by saying I do not recommend reading these. I am fairly certain we were all tricked into inhaling coma inducing drugs that altered our perception of reality. You have been warned.
Below are 6 different reports one written by each member that went on this quest. Then the last is one we received after telling a prediction/fortune machine about our experiences on this quest.
Report as written by Cornelius Wintercrest: Alright, so we were deadass supposed to be handling my damn egg, but nah, we ended up chasing these bitch-ass scammers, which became the whole goddamn mission when I clocked they were the motherfuckers who sold me that shitty carving. Dez had one too, supposedly worth a king's ransom. Pita called it "fungible as hell," which ain't no official bullshit appraisal, but whatever. Anyway, Dr. Strangebrew had bought some scrap from them and wanted his damn coins back. He explained this shit after getting yeeted into a tavern wall and bitching that his parachute didn't make bird noises. Not that it opened after he smacked the wall, the bird noises were the real damn issue. His heart stopped somewhere, his pants melted off, Dez was screaming like a mad scientist, and I started getting why this fool showed up in all the damn reports. Eventually Injera found out the scammers dipped towards Greenside, so we bounced.
We spotted this hobbit named Luceres slinging potions, and Injera decided to chug one 'cause apparently the pro move to bust a scam is to become another sucker. He wanted his scars fixed. I told the dude I'd tried everything to patch up his mug, which he took as a personal challenge 'cause Injera started coughing black smoke and growing tits. That actually happened. Meanwhile, Luceres was fleeing on a barrel,a barrel with legs, for real. There was a pig inside, obviously, 'cause why the hell would anything here be simple? Injera stepped on some caltrops, which was kinda useful 'cause the rest of us now knew where the damn things were. I thanked his dumb ass. Luceres kept making some symbol that turned everything to chaos, and then me and Injera got magical marks on our hands, and then he got knocked out with a punch. Balki finally downed the hobbit while I made sure Injera wouldn't croak from a light breeze. The crowd swiped all of Luceres's cash before we could ask about ours. Fucking fantastic.
Then came the interrogation. Dez bought pork ribs just to chow them right in front of Luceres, whose pig was still kicking nearby. And Pita told him it was "Bad Cop/Worse Cop," and Balki seemed totally ready to keep slugging him until something useful popped out. Injera chugged another potion, since the first one worked so great, and got weirdly charming. Actually pretty hot. Still a journalist though. Anyway, Luceres agreed to spill and then revealed he'd already untied himself, so great we wasted time with the ropes. Apparently the troupe owed their boss cash and luck. Real luck. He ate it, gave them those symbols, made them con people to hit quotas, and could morph into anything he wanted. Dez instantly aimed a gun at Pita to check if he was still Pita. "Shut up and hand over the crystal skull, asswipe." Yep, that's Pita. The boss was heading to the docks.
At the docks, Pita got a tip from an old lady who'd blown her savings on joint oil. She gave him cookies. Dez wanted to attack her, obviously. We found an inn, finally crashed, and then Pita woke everyone because someone was scratching a bad luck sign outside. I chucked something at him. In my defense, I was asleep. He scratched the symbol out and Balki followed some tracks all the way back to our own front door, which he seemed thrilled about. Somehow the next plan involved Balki dressed as a horse and Dez trying to sell a coal-powered knife-fork called a Knork. Injera shoved it in his mouth. Blood everywhere. "See how barely any blood's coming from this kid's face." Then Mr. Gino showed up. Except apparently it wasn't Gino. I know Gino, I helped save his kid, and this one got super twitchy when Dez called him a shapeshifter. For once Dez nailed the right guy. The bastard whistled for backup.
Luceres instantly bolted on his pig, dropped a locket, and said drop by if we lived. Lovely. Gino morphed into a ghost packed with faces and weapons, three gremlins popped up with a fortune-telling gadget, and some chick started forcing Balki to gamble with his life, what a joke. Injera was gnawing on the roof, chomping like a lunatic, while I scrambled to keep everyone breathing. Dez decided to snipe my crotch, a direct hit, though the armor laughed it off. The bullet ricocheted into the ghost, which somehow counted as a brilliant tactical move and satisfied some earlier threat he'd yapped about. I patched that bastard up anyway. Pita nuked the machine and two gremlins, blasted Balki to bits, and finally dropped the boss with a Force Barrage supernova. "WE DID IT PITA, WE SAVED THE PLANET!" Dez began doing squats over the corpse, so I mirrored him. Then Injera chirped about grabbing the doctor's junk. Right, the doc. I'd completely lost that thread somewhere between the horse ride and my nuts getting pinged. We still need his cash, though.
Report as written by Injera
Our quest began when Dr. Strangebrew calmly and rationally informed us that there were a troupe of scammers scammin' up the place, a Scammers Troupe, if you will. Strangebrew was sold items that did not perform as advertised. We were asked to find the scammers and politely ask for his money back. We agreed to file a warranty claim with the distributor out of the niceness of our hearts.
This is where my skills as a journalist came in handy. Dr. Strangebrew was too upset to give us an accurate description of the merchants, so I volunteered to get to the bottom of the investigation. With the aid of my favorite co-jouralists, we interviewed potential witnesses around town. Our investigation proved to be successful, and we learned that our target was currently residing in Greenside.
When we arrived, an independent retailer was offering potions for sale in the town square. I purchased a skincare tonic in order to ease the unsightly scarring on my face. The problem with fighting with my teeth is sometimes things hit back, and my face is often the first thing they go for. Oh well.... Anyways, the potion worked as intended. I coughed up so much smoke that nobody could see my hideous scars. 5/5 stars. However, before I could thank the vendor personally, he had already sold his remaining stock and was quickly traveling to his next location. We caught up, and after some polite negotiation, the man and his loyal pig companion agreed to show us the main distributor for his retail operation that was stationed at the Port.
When we reached the port, I came across a horse and a rat selling a strange coal-powered fork-knife. They seemed trustworthy, and I bought their product. It worked as intended, however the mild blood loss was slightly concerning. 4.5/5 stars.
Next thing I know, a territory war between retailors broke out. The knife-fork sellers won easily. Today was truly a great day for the entrepreneurial spirit.
Report as written by Balkan
This quest is dumb
Ok. I won't ever let Cornelius convince me to go on a quest with him again. Well, maybe if he boughs me another one of those Cayden's blessed beers.
Thing is. I don't even know if we ended up what we were suposed to do, that stupid hobgoblin cockadoodledouche was suposed to give us a mission, but it all ended up beig about him being scammed like.. fifteen minutes ago and we, after some super confusing start, went looking for them to greenside. Oh yes, we needed to find they went to greenside, stupid scientist didn't even knew where they went. How's that some people can be so intelligent and so stupid at the same time?
We found the assholes teying to scam people, and Injera got scammed. He grew some boobs and a sexy squidward face. Then we beat the guy, not without inconveniences, as a fucking dwarf opwning a door in the stupidest worst moment possible for example.
Then the guy talked and gave us a clue to get his boss. He was in first landing port, luckily Cornelius has a sugar daddy, so we fly in freaking winged horses there... I totally didn't screamed all the time while in the air. Whoever tells you otherwise is lying and I'll sue them for difamation.
We arrived, went to sleep, there was some turmoil, we got awake, I expertly traced some asshole that wanted to curse us, but couldn't catch him.
Next day we went investigating and the dumbass felt into our elaborated trap. I am a master of disguise.
We fought and we killed them. The beer was amazing, the fight not so much. I need to punch Pita in the face. Need to note that somewhere so I don't forget.
Report as written by Pita:
Dez and Corngi are suckers and got scammed. As did many others in First Landing.
Dr Strangebrew tries (and fails) to not explode while explaining that he, too, is a sucker and got scammed
Off to Greenside
Scammer halfling.
Injera drinks the the halfling's salve, and gets sick.
Injera disarms traps. With his face, as he does.
Fuckin' cat gets in the way and now I have to change my tactics
Balki thinks Injera is sexy
Balki assaults a homeowner
The halfling had a pig hidden in the barrel! Rude!
Cornelius triggers some rube goldberg bullshit that cause a mess of tiles to fall, which he manages to escape. Mostly.
Injera chose to wrestle the pig. The pig seems to have won.
Dez shoots the halfling in the appendix. Balki surgically removes it.
Fuckin' Houdini Luceres got out of his bonds. But still spilled the goods.
Off to First Landing Port!
Somehow, Corgi manages to get pegasi to appear to provide the crew quicker rides to First Landing Port.
At the port, a nice lady gives Pita some information. And cookies. Balki, meanwhile, assaults Dez.
Some asshole tries to carve a bad luck symbol outside the room at the inn. Fortunately, Pita catches them in the act and they run off before finishing it.
It's raining sharks.
Balki acquires a disguise kit. Turns himself into a horse with a moustache. Cornelius and Pita have no idea it's Balki.
Dez attempts to work with Balki to put on a scam and draw in the scammers. He fails terrible and Injera stabs himself with the knork.
Meanwhile, Gino appears whom Corngi greets. Dez questions whether that's really him, which throws "Gino" off his game and he's revealed to be the the scammer boss.
Chaos Battle ensues!
Luceres runs, the swine.
Zoltan keeps stirring up chaos! (and screwing over the boss)
Pita takes out the Boss' boobs....er, I mean Gremlin 58008
Skeet skeet, the boss got low (ded)
Report...as written by...Dez...
Thus begins the saga of our time - a tale for the ages. This is the story of how a bunch of us got drunk and robbed some dude. Wait, did we get drunk? I can’t remember, I’m suffering severe cranial trauma, but I’m 1000% confident that the events I am about to detail are 97% accurate.
So Cornelius has an egg, right? His bird Strahb fell in love with a lizard or something and now there’s an egg that we need to bring to a mountain to hatch. We planned for a while to - you know what, fuck this. Forget the dumb egg. We’re gonna do something else.
Cornelius was stupid enough to buy an obvious scam from some scammer dude. It’s like, bruh, just because the salesperson has a nice ass and gives you an eyelash waggle as they’re selling you something doesn’t mean you have to buy whatever crap they’re trying to swing, ya dig? So Corny and only Corny and nobody else was dumb enough to buy one of those fungible-ass monkey drawings from this person, and would you believe the rug pull when it turns out that it was a scam?
So we’re all at the Pug shooting the shit when this homeboy with elastic pants and a lab coat comes trapezing through the doors and is all like “Ay yo, check this shit, I got my shit shitted on by some scam dudes who sold me some jank-ass wonderflonium, and I need some of y’all MFers to go enact some revenge in the name of SCIENCE!” So, ya boy Dez is a friend of the sciences (see fig 1), so we agree to help him out and track down these hooligan shitbirds and make them eat bullets. I somehow crashed through a table while we were still at the Pug, and I think Strahb is responsible, but the important thing is that now I smell cinnamon toast whenever I close my eyes for a few seconds, so everything is lavender.
So we’ve gotta track down this scammer troupe, right? What’s the first order of business? Transportation. Look, if we’re gonna be lolligagging about the world like a sheep without a garage band then I’m gonna want something to ride on, Lady Godiva style. Since the flatbread homies already had some pooch-os to scoot on, I figured sure thang, why not, let me get a pup of my own. The animal market had your standard fare, but then I noticed that there was one scrangly mutt in the back who was vibrating at F# and had a nose long enough to smell next Tuesday, so I had to buy them. And then the store has birbs, too, so if Cornelius can have his eagle then I’ve got my awesome blue parrot who knows how to party and is such an indiscriminate humper that it’ll try to fuck your hat. So now The Snoot and Bloob are joining us. This is an immensely important detail that is hyper-relevent to the plot.
So a guard tells us to go to some city, blah blah, we go there, but around that point I realized the horrifying truth. This guard was not who they seemed to be, and in fact were a shapeshifting dopplerganger hell bent on destroying our very way of life through a series of elaborate scams. The party wasn’t buying it, so I made a note to take care of the issue myself another day, and started training Bloob on how to sneak into his bedroom and hide scorpions in his slippers.One day I shall eat that shapeshifter.
At that city, there was this punk-ass kid swingin’ locks and hockin’ socks, so he clearly was up to some scammin’. We listen in, and I’ve got this primo genius plan to try to help him drum up some bizz, ya dig? I figure if he thinks we’re on his side, he’ll help cut us in on some deets, so I try to trick Pita into drinking some snake oil so that I can laugh at him, but the kiddo doesn't take the bait, and instead makes Injera super hot. He’s got some kind of magic where he can shimmy shammy and whammy with a Rube Goldberg coincidence to biff and bonk and tear up your yarbles without a finger in the air. Punk ass whinny tries to run away on his barrel, but we’ve got roof climbing cats and trick shooting and there was some kind of discussion about dicks and a card game, but we managed to kill the barrel and knock out the kid. The fun thing about bullets is that if you hold the gun sideways and yell BRAPP BRAPP the bullets are nonlethal - who knew? I knew, that’s who knew. I know everything.
It was around that point I realized the horrifying truth. The barrel was not who they seemed to be, and in fact were a doppelganging shapeshifter hell bent on destroying our very way of life through a series of elaborate transporation. The party wasn’t buying it, and insisted that the shapeshifting was just ‘there was a pig hiding in the barrel’ so I made a note to take care of the issue myself another day, and started training Bloob on how to sneak into his pigstye and hide knives under his pillows. I also bought myself some ham, so it’s kinda like I ate that shapeshifter.
The kids was actually not a kid, but a tiny tiny little half man who was married to a broom, and he kinda lets us in on his scam, and tells us that his boss is shapeshifting doppelganger who is going to try to scam the Port next, so we’ve got to get there ASAP. Cornelius the fuckboy called in a favor from his nonbinary sugar-parent and everybody else is riding on unicorns to get there. I ain’t buying it, though, riding on unicorns with boys is how you get glitter herpes. I make my own way to the Port and literally nobody noticed because they’re all a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic hierophants. No, wait, the other word - sycophants.
So on the way to the Port, I realize that The Snoot has some powder on his snoot. I give it a lick, and I realize that it’s cinnamon. I don’t know where he found cinnamon, so I head off, completely away from the rest of the party to investigate. They all have no idea that any of this happened, by the way; I guess they’ll figure out when they read this report. So I end up tracking the cinnamon to a bakery, and working the shop is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. We instantly fall in love, even though she’s a shapeshifting dopperlganger hell bent on destroying my very way of life. And I let her destroy my life, in the most sincere and wholesome way possible. We raise up a roof. We raise three kids. We grow old together. After 27 years of blissful marriage, I remember the rest of the party and our quest, so I leave her in the middle of the night. Sorry babe, but duty calls. I’ll come back for you one day.
So then I finally met back up with the rest of the party a few minutes after they all set off on their unicorns, and nobody was the wiser. We’re at the port, and we’ve got to try to find the scammers. Pita ended up getting some information and some cookies out of a kindly old woman who was sold some bullshit from an elven woman and apparently wasn’t at all concerned that there was an elf here even though they are extinct. I hope somebody was fired for that blunder. It may have been a plot hole, but I see it for the more obvious solution - the horrifying truth. The kindly old woman with the cookies was not who they seemed to be, and in fact were a doppelshifting shapeganger hell bent on destroying our very way of life. The party wasn’t buying it, and insisted that I was ‘crazy’ and ‘delusional’ and needed to stop accusing everybody of being a shapeshifter, so I made a note to take care of the issue myself another day, and started training Bloob on how to sneak into the old woman’s house and replace all the almonds in her pantry with lit dynamite. I’m gonna eat her, too. I’m gonna eat all of the doppelgangers.
So the plan on how to catch the scammers was to flim flam the jibber jabber switcheroo on them, and out-scam them. Make them come to us, ya dig? So I quickly built a miracle invention out of some old scrap I had lying around, and was ready to sell The Knork. (TRADEMARK, COPYRIGHT, DO NOT STEAL!!!) It’s a miracle of modern science, and sure it may have severely lacerated Injera’s face, but the kindly horse gentleman I forgot to mention earlier was more than happy to buy one, so I figure I must be some kind of evil genius with his dick in an artist. I am unmatched. I am unparalleled. I can do no wrong, and everyone loves me.
Now, after our pitch went beautifully and perfectly, some diminutive little wingaling mafioso comes up and starts trying to front like he’s some kind of homie dissing my girl. What did we ever do to that guy to make him so violent, anyways? Well, as luck turns out, I’m a goddamn mastermind, and am well trained in the fine science of the ocular patdown, so I employ all of my skills (see fig 2) to clear him, and am completely convinced that he is exactly who he says he is.
But hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I accused him of being a shapeshifting doppelganger hell bent on destroying our way of life? So I do just that, you know, just kind of as a joke and to piss of my friends and try to win over that sexy broom, but just immediately after I do, the ACTUAL doppelganger shows up, and doppels his gangs, replacing him and confessing to being the evil ringleader all along. It was downright sneaky and dastardly.
Then there was an epic battle or something, I kinda zoned out to be honest. Pretty sure I shot Cornelius in the dick at one point, as a joke. The rest of the party can add the details here. The moral of the story is that all the bad guys were dead, I lost a lot of blood (but it’s okay because I found it again), and now I have more skulls to add to my collection and a guaranteed shoppelgrifter to monch on and get my num-nums up. Snoot is bae, Bloob is bae, Dez is the best.
Report as written by the prediction/fortune machine:
There was an egg and an agreement. Neither survived the purchase of interchangeable garbage. Cornelius and Dez were responsible, although Dez has submitted paperwork establishing Cornelius as the only stupid person. Doctor Strange Beer explained his complaint by striking the building, liquefying his trousers and temporarily becoming a hospital. The emergency umbrella refused to sing. This was unacceptable. Balkan offered to apply for reimbursement using his hands. Injera understood newspapers. Dez understood SCIENCE. Cornelius should have purchased additional alcohol and evacuated.
We travelled to the Green Side with The Nose, a dog that can detect Tuesday before it happens, and Blue, a bird romantically associated with your head covering. Luceres sold medicine. Injera consumed the investigation and developed breasts and industrial smoke. His facial damage was no longer visible. Five stars. The merchant departed inside a wooden container while Injera discovered military spikes through direct foot research. A cat cancelled Bread’s strategy. A resident opened his house against Balkan’s emotional stability. Cornelius was nearly executed by the ceiling. The container contained pork. TRANSFORMER. No, Dez. Injera challenged the pork and was defeated. Dez removed the merchant’s appendix from a distance. Balkan completed the customer service.
The public confiscated our refund. Dez ate the pig’s associates in front of it. Bad Police and Less Recommended Police. Injera consumed further medicine and became alarmingly marriageable. Unfortunately, journalism remained. Luceres was no longer attached to his ropes. His employer consumed good fortune and enforced fraud productivity. Dez therefore aimed his weapon at Bread. “Stop speaking and surrender the glass skeleton head, toilet person.” Authentication successful. Cornelius requested airborne livestock from his wealthy parental romance. Balkan did not produce noise and will contact a court. Dez married a bread technician, manufactured three descendants and abandoned twenty-seven years of happiness before arriving several minutes later. Do not investigate.
At the harbour, Bread received biscuits from an elderly woman. Dez identified her as a replacement person. We slept until somebody attempted to install misfortune outside our accommodation. Cornelius discharged an object. Balkan tracked the criminal back to our accommodation. Outstanding police horse. Sharks were falling and Balkan now possessed a moustache and four legs. Nobody recognised this professional. He and Dez sold a coal-eating utensil. Injera inserted it into his face and opened a blood outlet. “Observe the small quantity of child leakage.” Four and a half stars. Business was alive.
Gino arrived, but his identity was poorly attached. Dez complained and Gino became an armed collection of deceased people. Luceres boarded the emergency meat. Small creatures operated the prediction appliance. Balkan was required to bet his continued existence. Injera consumed the property. Cornelius struggled to renew everyone’s oxygen membership while Dez shot his reproductive department. The projectile rejected him and contacted management. This is military cooperation. Bread destroyed the factory, the employer’s breasts and a medically significant percentage of Balkan. Management was subsequently discontinued. THE WORLD HAS BEEN REPAIRED. Exercise above the deceased. Retrieve the doctor’s rubbish. Dez misplaced his blood but recovered it. Excellent beer. Strike Bread. Payment remains theoretical. The egg has been dismissed. Further participation requires Cornelius to finance the beverages.