Elorday 5th of Muvay, 1024 (cont)
I storm up to Harris who was already on his way out of the duke’s manor. In a bad mood. Karlan told him about Oris’ ploys. Tried pushing through us. I confronted him but everything I said went in one ear, out the other. He stormed off. Oris followed him to talk to him about something. I don’t know what. I was lost in my own thoughts.
He won’t change. People don’t change. No, they can. But only if they want to. You can’t make them. You can lead them to an encampment, but you can’t make them stay arms. Its their own choice. Harris doesn’t think he’s doing everything wrong. No, everyone else. Fuck him. And everyone like him.
He have any relationship with Nila because he won’t have one on her terms. Only his. “Who I’m trying to impress is my concern, and mine only.” Every rock has ripples. He doesn’t walk on water to stop that. He threw a boulder, and he made it everyone’s concern.
I need to go home. I feel everything creeping back. The ice under my skin. The numbness.
Oris wandered off, so I really don’t have any reason to stay. Home it is.
I stayed home to collect my thoughts. I climbed to the roof to watch the clouds drift by in the sky. Listen to the wind, the sound of the birds. Kuro flying in the distance. Then the little rabbit decided to come along. I snuck back into my house and tried to pretend I wasn’t home. He knocked anyway and said he wanted to ask about Harris and the fundraiser.
When he came in he said he couldn’t figure me out. He got a sense for everyone else but me. That I seem unhappy. If there was something that he could do to help - especially because I was kind and offered help to him before. “You’re a good person” he said, and I felt my stomach turn. He doesn’t know me. He said it himself, and saying that only proved it more.
I told him about the Thalaweh. The thing that isn’t from this plane that crosses in and turns everything to rot. The few things that don’t are twisted like him. He doesn’t even know what it is he’s doing but it he does it anyway. I told him I am the Thalaweh, twisted and rotted and ruining anything I touch. That Harris is the same and when I see it, I see red. That the red on my skin won’t wash off because it’s made in blood. What I’ve done can’t be undone.
I’m not a good person. And some people can’t be helped. I didn’t say as much but I think it. I know it.
He tried to tell me that I’m not who I was and can’t keep living from the mistakes of my old self. That the past me dies as time marches on, leaving just me in the now. It’s cute. But the ripples I made still exist and they ripple forward as well. I gave him a little toy to play with cats, sent him on his way. Told him I’d see him in the morning.
Then I crawled into bed and tried to will sleep into my body.
Sunday, 6th of Muvay, 1024
Fundraiser today. No surprise but I’m not feeling the cheer.
Lady Trudgeon gave us a whole list of tasks. I’m barely paying attention. I think I’m keeping watch below with Nila. Distracted. I shouldn’t have told Oris any of that. It’s not his problem to deal with, to solve. It’s mine. It’s why I wanted to be alone. I don’t want to burden someone else with something not only can they not lift, but they can’t even touch.
Nila and I kept watch and swapped words here and there. I actually like her, I understand the similarity. She’s one of those people you can have a comfortable silence with. I saw Christopher bunching dirt for some reason, seemed like he didn’t like interacting with a tiefling who came by. He didn’t want to talk about it.
Martha came by. Told us the orb we brought is a Larysine - and then couldn’t tell us anything beyond that at all. However she has a contact in Owlchester who will be looking into it. Our point of communication is Emily Morley. Honestly it’s a little disappointing that she couldn’t figure out really anything but a name. But that’s fine. It’s mostly a curiosity right now.
Harris showed up drunk to try and talk to Nila, who wants nothing to do with him. I get it. But showing up drunk doesn’t help. As she walked toward the kitchen something exploded from within, causing havoc. Someone screamed that they took the money.
A robbery. Great.